Why am I Me?
by JasonFTW
Summary: Jason Roscoe, an ordinary teenage boy; or is he? this is my tale on Jason and his body dysmorphia, and how it effects his family. WARNING: could trigger those with body dysmorphia/eating disorders, self harm(at least one scene) and abuse. Rated M for later chapters/some language.
1. The Start

I stare at my own scarring reflection questioning why I was so abnormal, pathetic, worthless, why wasn't I like my brothers, they're so handsome with amazing bodies. I sigh long and hard questioning my whole life when I hear: "Jase, teas done" my mum shouts, the same way she always does at 6pm, so i instinctively shout back "okay mum, I'm starving" there was some truth to those words but why would I want to shove more shit into myself making me fatter.

I run down stairs to join my family at the table when suddenly I am held tight from behind and someone is scruffing my hair up "a'right bruv thought you was never coming down, you'd been in the bathroom for forty minutes ya'know" I knew that voice and it only belonged to one person, Ziggy; the brother with the perfect physique "let go of me" I say and try and push him away, I don't really want anyone touching me right now, I feel so disgusting "lighten up bro it's only a joke" he looses me and goes and sits down, I follow suit and sit down next to Robbie.

"Jase what took you so long in that bathroom, were you making a baby?" this time it was Joe who questioned me, I could hardly tell him I was making myself sick and staring at the body that has let me down my whole life, I have to think quick and I respond "what's it you anyway" snarkier then I expected, Joe looked taken aback "alright keep your knickers on" he swiftly replies and then he looks at Robbie, I know what that look is, he thinks because we're twins that Robbie will know whats wrong, quite a fair few times he does but not with this, why would I want to tell anyone about this sickening truth.

It was my mum that broke this silence "here we go boys" my mum hands me and Robbie our plates first the contents contained extra buttery mashed potato, the way mum always makes it with sausage, cabbage and onion gravy. Mum finishes delivering everyone's plates and sits down herself "So Jason, what have you been up to" oh god no not her as well "why does everyone keep asking me this, I'm fine alright" I snap "I didn't ask you if you was okay I asked what you'd been doing" oh shit I've blown it now "sorry mum just got a lot on my mind alright, nothing to worry about" I fake a smile "okay just always remember I'm always here if you need to talk" she smiled so sweetly, how can she smile like that having a son like me, I trail off thinking what they would be like living without me.

This time its Freddie's turn to speak "aren't you eating that Jase, I thought you liked mum's mashed potato?" I look at everyone's plates and noticed everyone has at least eaten half or in Ziggy's case he had already eaten it and got his phone out checking Facebook, I look back to my own plate realizing I hadn't even touched my knife or fork "yeah sure, just spaced out that's all" I smiled at him knowing a different truth. I lift my fork up and collect a very small amount of mashed potato and press it against my lips, I notice Freddie still looking at me strange so I swiftly move it into my mouth. I generally love mum's mashed potato but for some strange reason today it made me feel sick, I struggle but I swallow it down and then I cut a small piece of sausage and place it into my mouth this still made me feel sick, if anything the feeling is growing deeper, beginning to be harder to hold back, I don't know if anything of this is showing on my face but I hope it's not, no one should know this is how I'm feeling, I'm not a girl. That's when my trail of thought was interrupted when Joe asks "are you okay Jase, you look a bit peaky" I Chew and swallow my small piece of sausage quickly and reply "I'm fi-" I interupt my own self with vomit, well not exactly vomit, it was my stomach acids with the small bit of mashed potato and sausage, which I threw up down myself and my plate.

"Jason!" I hear my mum exclaim and rush towards me, I look towards Robbie and obviously he moved to the other side of the table to avoid getting covered with vomit. my mum holds me "what's wrong, are you ill?" I can hear the deep amount of concern caressing her soft, smooth voice "I'm alright mum, just felt a bit sick, and didn't realize is was coming up I guess" I lied "can I go upstairs I'm not really in the mood anymore" I ask my mum while wiping my mouth clean "okay get dressing you pajamas and I'll wash you clothes straight away" she smiled and began tidying the table.

I stand up feeling a little light headed and start making my way to the stairs and then the world goes blank.

"Jason. Jason, wake up, Jason" I hear my mum's voice quietly "Jase you okay" this time it was Robbie's voice I hear, I open my eyes and everyone is staring at me "where am I?" I mumble out "the hallway" Joe points out. I begin to feel sick again I turn over to my elbows and try to vomit; but nothing happens "Do you want me to call a doctor" I hear Freddie ask mum "don't, I'm fine, I just need some sleep okay" hoping that mum doesn't listen, that's the last thing I need right now "Okay, but if you still feel like this in the morning I will. Robbie take Jason to your room please" thankfully mum didn't listen to Freddie. "Alright then c'mon Jase" Robbie heaves me up and takes to to our bedroom.

I get dressed into my pajamas and get into bed "g'night Robbie" I call as Robbie is leaving the room "G'night Jase" he calls back and shuts the door. I slipped up today didn't I? I'm so pathetic I can't even eat a damn plate of food, my eyes well up with unshed tears. Why am I so pathetic, why can't I be like my brothers? why does my body fail me? why can't I just be normal?

I fall to sleep at two am, spending eight hours thinking of how much I've failed as a human being.


	2. Does Robbie Know?

I wake in the morning to the smell of bacon, sausage and egg "great, just what I need" I mumble to myself. I drag myself out of bed and shuffle my dressing gown on and leave my bedroom, I walk slow and steadily down the stairs and be greeted by Joe; "How you feeling Jase? c'mon into the kitchen" and Joe ushers me into the kitchen. 

Mum swiftly sweeps me up into a hug "how're you feelin darlin?" her voice was so soft and sweet as those words caressed her soft pink lips "I'm alright, must've just had a funny turn yesterday, I feel fine now" I smiled towards her soft and sleepily "That's good then. How about a full English for breakfast?" she asked me kindly "yeah okay, can I eat in my room" I ask hoping she'll agree "I thought it would be nice to eat as a family, considering I've decided today is family day, the boys have got someone to cover for them, and we're going to spend today together, is that okay" she asks with glee dancing in her eyes "oh right sure" I fake a smile, I don't really feel like this today. 

We all sat down to breakfast together all my brothers was in their usual banter apart from the fact Robbie wasn't fully in it, he kept looking at me; Why? I look at my plate not really feeling like I wanna eat it, but then I have an idea, I devour my food quickly and finish my plate, I stand up and go to leave "where are you going" Robbie calls to me "gonna get dressed" I say as I tug on my dressing gown and then I continue to run up the stairs. 

I run straight towards the bathroom, I reach for the door handle and pull it open and then I continue to close it just as fast. I rush towards the toilet and slam the lid up, I lean over and begin to retch but nothing came up. "ugh not again" I say to myself, If it wont come, I'll make it come. I roll my right sleeve up and insert to fingers down my wet and warm throat, I began to retch uncontrollably until it finally comes, I vomit my breakfast down the toilet. I hate making myself sick simply for the after feeling, my throat becomes so sore I swear my family will realize. I stand up, put the lids down and flush the toilet. I move over to the sink and brush my teeth. 

I finish brushing my teeth and exit the bathroom, I begin to make myself to my bedroom when Robbie stands in my way "Room now!" he exclaims angrily, whats go his knickers in a pinch. I continue my journey to our bedroom; it was my original destination after all. I open the door and swiftly move in, Robbie follows and shuts the door behind us. "I heard you" his voice echos through my head; has he found out? "you heard what" I reply trying to keep my voice steady "the puking" he answers' still sounding very angry "you don't know what you're talking about, I went in for a shit and to brush my teeth" I quickly reply as to not sound suspicious "Don't lie Jase, I know you, and I know when you're lying so just hurry up and tell me the truth" shit, he's sounding angrier what should I tell him? "Just get out" I shove him "you know nothin, shit is what you know, just get out and let me dress" I begin to feel my blood boiling, why won't people just leave me alone "Fine!" he exclaims and leaves the room in a huff. That's unusual, Robbie never listens to me like that. I pay no more attention to it and get my clothes out; Black t-shirt, skinny light denim jeans and a red hoodie, I continue to get dressed, once fully dressed I look into my mirror and I notice something; my clothes look looser, once so skinny jeans the almost ripped every time I bent over now began to hang slightly looser, the t-shirt that used to cling to my fat disgusting body now hangs slightly looser aswell and my hoodie also, I quickly zip it up slip some white socks on and make my way back downstairs.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs I'm greeted my mum "Is it true" oh shit did Robbie tell her? "is what true" I ask her and try and make it sound like genuine confusion "Was you sick after breakfast" she's giving me those eyes, those eyes that are so judging, whats it to her anyway? "No! why would I be? did Robbie tell you?" my blood begins to boil again "Yes darlin, its only 'cause he's worried about you; we all are" is she serious? if she was why didn't she just end this horrible life of mine and be done with me, seems like the best option to me "Mum, if there was somethin wrong I'd tell you wouldn't I? c'mon Robbie is just trying to stir the shit 'cause he probably wants to go hang out with Phoebe or somethin" c'mon mum buy this one "I guess, just remember talk to me if there's any problem, I'm you mum, that's what I'm here for" she smiles at me so sweetly, I smile back and make my way towards the living room and go sit curled up on the sofa and put the telly on.


	3. Family Drama

"Right then who wants Monopoly" Mum calls. Uggh Monopoly with my family? you're joking. "yeeeaaah" Ziggy exclaims exitedly and comes and sits next to me "I love monopoly, don't you" he directs his question towards me "sure, I don't mind" I lie, god I wish I was in bed right now. shortly everyone is in the living room and mum is setting Monopoly up "who wants what piece" mum asks "I bagsie the thimble" Ziggy demands "No fair you're always the thimble" Freddie argues "I'll have the car" this time its Joe that makes the claim "Hold on a minute boys, let Jason and Robbie choose first" Mum says and Ziggy, Freddie and Joe make dissapointed faces "I'll have the dog" Robbie says then takes the piece "Jason?" mum looks at me "I'll have the iron" I lean forward and collect the piece "That means I get the thimble" Ziggy leans forward and snags the thimble "Mum Why does Ziggy always get the thimble, he never lets me use the thimble" Freddie argues "first come first serve, sorry love" mum replies "Ughhh fine I'll have the...wheelbarrow" Freddie replies with a huff and collects the wheelbarrow "I'll have the car then" Joe says and collects the car "then I'll have the ship" mum says and collects her piece and finishes setting the game up.

Awhile into the game Ziggy has the dark blues and greens with hotels on all of them, Joe has the reds with hotels on two and four houses on the other, Freddie has the train stations and utility cards claiming they're where the good money is at, but is in fact is almost out of money, Robbie has the orange and white ones with hotels on all as well, mum has the pink ones with hotels and I have the browns and yellows with hotels on, I have the most money. "C'mon Jase, can't you spare me just a few hundred bob?" Freddie asks me for the unteenth time "how many times Fred, that's not how its played" I reply once again "spoil sport" Freddie mutters "excuse me I need the loo" I say and stand up "wont be long" and I leave and head towards the bathroom.

I reach the bathroom and open the door, I walk in and close and lock the door behind me, I take a piss and move towards the sink, I catch a glimpse of myself, the feeling that I was looking better had gone, all I could see was a pathetic fat waste of space staring back at me; I couldn't take it anymore so I punch the mirror again and again and again. I hear people coming up the stairs "Jase what's going on" I hear that it was Joe that spoke, I can't face him; I sink to the floor, I feel myself start to cry "C'mon Jase, don't be a twat" I could hear that that was Robbie, I hear mum say something very quiet, I guess she was probably scolding Robbie. "C'mon Jase, if you don't come out I'll have to break the door down" Joe spoke again, I couldn't do it, I just feel so pathetic right now "that's it, I'm coming in" I hear the door bust in, I'm not looking at them but I can tell they froze still, what must they think of me.

I feel someone come and sit next to me and pull me into an embrace "Jase what's a matter" I now know who it was, it was Joe; I throw myself into his shoulder and begin to sob uncontrollably "Jase" I hear Ziggy say in and exasperated tone. Joe is rubbing my shoulder consoling me, but I couldn't even speak all I can do is cry like a pathetic baby, I then feel someone else come over to me and kiss me on the forehead "It's okay love, you can tell us" I knew then that is was mum, but yet I still couldn't say anything "Freddie go and get a clean towel and some bandages" my calls to Freddie, and then I hear him walk off, why did she need those? Oh shit it must be me, I look down at my hands and they're blood red, barely and inch of my skin colour shone through. I'm now beginning to feel sick, I retch slightly "Jase calm down, it's okay" Joe says as he holds me tighter and begins rubbing my arm more. I feel it, it's coming, I retch once more and dribble sick down Joe's legs, I mustn't of threw breakfast up properly, stupid idiot.

Freddie return with the clean towels and bandages straight after, once he sees he makes a disgusted noise "here you go mum" he hands the stuff to mum "Hold it a minute Fred can't you see he's just been sick" she tuts and comes over to me "are you still feeling poorly" she asks, I look up at her and begin to cry more, she rubs my arm. If she thinks this is because I'm ill then I can just add hormones on top and this will just blow over so I nod at her "I'll call the doctor" she adds "..no..." I add weakly "I'm...fine, just...not on..top form" I wipe my face, and stand up to the sink, I turn the cold tap on and swill my hands, I continue to cup water into my hands and splash my face with water, I shake my head and go to use the towel "use this one" Freddie says and throws me a clean towel, I just about catch it "thanks" I say and dry my face.

Mum stands up and takes a hold of my hands "Freddie, bandages please" she asks Freddie "okay" Freddie replies and delivers mum the bandages, mum begins bandaging me up "Why did you smash the mirror love" she asks sincerely, I try to think of an excuse "I don't know" I sniff my snot back "I guess I'm quite hormonal and stuff, been feeling a bit stressed with my exams and stuff" a few extra tears stream "you could have still spoken to be about it" mum says as she finishes bandaging me up "all done sweetheart, wanna go downstairs and finish the game, I'll make us all a hot chocolate with marshmellows" she smile "alright" I reply dreading the amount of calories that would be in that hot chocolate. We all head back downstairs; Joe a few minutes later after having to change his trousers from be vomiting over them, back to the living room and continue the game with the hot chocolates Mum made for us all.


	4. Run

The Monopoly game should be almost finished, Ziggy and Freddie are bankrupt and out the game, Joe is almost bankrupt, Mum and Robbie have just about a little bit more money then Joe and I have the most, they all keep landing on my properties. "Jase it's time" Mum says "Time for what?" I question her "Time to take you insulin darlin" she replies "oh right" I stand up and take my leave for the doorway "You want any help with that" Joe ask me, why is he even asking? I always do it myself "Nah I'm alright, why'd you ask" I question him "your hands are all cut up, might of needed help" he replies with a soft, warm smile "It's nothin I can't handle" and with that I take my leave.

Once I've traveled upstairs and into my bedroom I pull my insulin needles out and just stare at them; should I not take it again? I continues to question myself for a few minutes and decide not to take it, I put them back in my draw and I catch a glimpse of the item that is next to it, I lift out the small bottle, unscrew the cap and empty three pills into my hand "Jase is everything alright up there" I hear Mum shout from the bottom of the stairs "Yeah, just coming" I shout back "Okay" she replies. I quickly shove them into my mouth and but the bottle into the drawer and close, I leave my bedroom and close the door behind me.

I travel downstairs and into the kitchen, I look into the cupboard and get a huge glass and fill it with water, I take a sip and swallow the pills down, I enter the living room and sit back down "It's your turn Jase" Robbie says and hands me the dice, I roll the dice and get a six and a four, I move my counter and say "Is it alright if I have a run after this?" I ask towards my whole family "How 'bout we make it a family run, could use some exercise" Ziggy says "I suppose, you boys ay do you ever stop?" mum ask rhetorically most of us chuckle.

Once the game was finished; to which I won. We all went for a run, besides mum who stayed behind to clean up, only five minutes in I began to start sweating "This is fun right? the Roscoe boys on a run together" Ziggy says and looks over to all of us and focuses on me a little "you sweating already Jase" he asks me, all the others look at me "yeah, just hot that's all" I lie, in fact I have no idea why I'm sweating so much "you was cold a minute ago back at home" Freddie adds "exercising, it gets me exhilarated" I reply, not much is mentioned after this, we run for at least an hour, I have no idea how long it really was and when we're almost home I begin to feel dizzy, I start slowing down slightly "c'mon Jase almost home now" Robbie pants to me "yeah, I know" I reply to him, I shake of some of my dizziness and pick up the pace.

Once we get home Joe unlocks the door and lets us all in, Ziggy runs in fast and heads up the stairs first "bagsie the shaz first" as he runs into the bathroom "TWAT!" Robbie shout up at him, we all know never to let Ziggy use the shower first, he spends half an hour doing his hair, and another twenty minutes doing something we all don't really wanna know, so we all go into the dining room and sit at the table, mum comes in "did you boys enjoy your run" she asks us all "yeah" Joe pants "it was alright" Freddie adds Robbie shrugs and I add "keeps me on my toes, gets me out the house and keeps me fit so yeah" mum smiles at us "Has Ziggy stole the shower first again" she asks "Yeah, the prized twat" adds Robbie "language" mum snaps "sorry mum" Robbie apologizes, we all know it's fake, he never apologizes for shit like that.

almost an hour later Ziggy comes downstairs in a white vest and skinny jeans "showers free" he says cheekily "finally" we all exclaim and Freddie runs for the shower first, we don't really mind, he's one of the fastest showerers. Ziggy goes into the living room, sits on the sofa and puts the telly back on, mum must have turned it of when she was cleaning up. Ten minutes later Freddie comes down in a black t shirt and grey tracksuit bottoms, Joe is next for the shower and Freddie goes and watched telly with Ziggy.

Twenty minutes later Joe finishes in the shower and comes downstairs in a white t shirt, red checked shirt over normal fitted jeans, by this time me and Robbie are silent bacause we have nothing left to say to eachother, mum has already buggered of into the living room to watch telly with Zig and Fred. "I'm so next" Robbie says and leaps for the bathroom before I can argue "you alright Jase, you look a bit pale" Joe asks as he enters the dining room "yeah, just really tired " I reply sleepily to him "Don't worry Robbie shouldn't be long" and he rubs me on the shoulder an goes and makes himself a cup of tea.

Almost an hour later and Robbie finally finished in the shower, he comes down stairs in a red football t shirt on and some black tracksuit bottoms with to white stripes down each sides "bloody hell Robbie, how long did it take ya" I ask him frustrated "I was sweaty, It's free now anyway" Robbie replies and joins my brothers into the living room.

I walk over to the stairs; now that I have stood up the dizziness feels worse again, I stumble up the stars and into my room, I go into my room to collect my clothes, I get a grey t shirt, a mahogany hoodie and some pale jeans and go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me, I brush my teeth the get my towel out and hang it over the shower. I take my dirty bloody bandages off and throw them on the window sill I take my clothes off and step into the shower and close the curtain, I turn the water on and begin to swill my hair, a wave of dizziness hits me really hard this time, I slip and fall against the shower wall and hit my head, I reach my hand up and touch it, I move my hand in front of my face and see that there is blood on there, my body becomes limp; I fall to my knees with a loud thud, I fall out of consciousness as I hit the shower floor.


	5. Hospital

"Jason. Jason, are you awake love" I hear mum's voice as I drift back into the conscious realm "Jason" this time it's Holly's voice, my eyes open slightly "beep beep. beep beep" what's that beeping sound? where is it coming from? I try to speak but my mouth is to dry "water" I hear mum say, but to who I don't really know, my vision is too much of a blur to make out anything that is around me, I hear someone walk of and come back a few moments later "Here I got the water" It was Joe she was talking to, it must have been because that's who I can hear right now.

I feel mum pull me into a sitting position, my vision is still blurred nut it's getting slightly clearer as I see Joe give mum the water "here we go sweetheart open up" she presses the glass against my lips, I open my mouth and take in the fluids; god I'm so thirsty, I finish the whole glass of water in one. My original question was going to be; where am I, but it's clear to me I'm in hospital so instead I ask "What happened" my voice croaks slightly "You collapsed Mr. Roscoe, you fell into diabetic ketoacidosis, from what I can tell you haven't taken your insulin in awhile and you body went into shock, it also appears you have been taking anabolic steroids am I correct?" the doctor is looking straight towards me, I look around at my family; they all look deeply disgusted so I say nothing and let the doctor finish.

"You have been in a comatose state for eight days, we have brought your body back stable with extra insulin and the right food, you will still have to stay in hospital a few more days as your body was becoming to thin, and not getting the nutrition it needed, we will monitor you for three more days then if you're healthy enough we will discharge you, but until then we will have to pay close attention to make sure your body is back on track. Now do any of you have any questions?" the doctor asks everyone.

"Are you one hundred percent about the steroids doc" Freddie asked the doctor "Yes. Did anyone know about his use of steroids" the doctor asked all the people around me, mum looked at everyone and said on everyones behalf "No. No one knew. Oh sweetheart really" the last part she directed to me, I decide not to answer her and lie back down, I turn over as not to face everyone "Mr. Roscoe it is highly advised to speak to your family about this, it will help the healing process" the Doctor addresses towards me "what healing process there's nothing wrong with me" I snap back rather hoarsely "Okay then, if there is nothing wrong you wont mind speaking to my colleague about this. I you would like to leave him for a short while it would be appreciated" The doctor asks everyone, they all leave "I will come and send my colleague in, wont be long" and with that he left.

I hear the door open "Jason, are you awake" I hear a woman's voice say those words but I ignore them. I hear footsteps walk towards me and and stop beside me, I feel her soft gentle hand caress my arm "Jason, I know you're not asleep" Shit how did she know, since she knows I'm not asleep I open my eyes and take a look at who this soft voiced lady really was; Celine McQueen. "Just leave me alone please" I almost plead with her "I'm sorry I have to talk with you. The doctor noticed you weight and the fact you stopped taking your insulin and came to realize that you might have an eating disorder" she spoke so softly.

Me have an eating disorder? it's nothing like that, I'm just abnormal, pathetic, fat and weak.

"there's nothing wrong with me, I just thought that there was no need to take it anymore, I just felt I didn't need it anymore" I lied "if that's true then it still doesn't add up to how much weight you have lost" Celine added "of course it does, I've been working out, trying to get in shape" I lie again "then that explains the steroids. Do you even know the consequences of using anabolic steroids Jason?" she asks me. There is know use trying to hide the steroids "I know, It was a one off, never used them before, just thought I'd try them" I lie yet again, as it wasn't the first, it had happened many other times before the last. "Just always remember the side effects, it should say them on the side of the bottle, anyway I should leave, will be back tomorrow to talk to you again, don't want to bother you while you've only just woke up. See you tomorrow Jason" "see you" I reply back to her.

My family plus Holly all come rushing back into the room Freddie is the first to speak "sorry Jase I know it's my fault" "what's your fault" Mum asked him "It's nothing Jase will understand what I'm on about, don't worry about it" Freddie replies, I can imagine him not wanting mum to find out about the drug dealer so I keep quiet "Jase I was so worried when you mum phoned me saying you'd collapsed" she hugged me and gave me a kiss. "So Jason where did you get the steroids from and why on earth did you decide to start taking them" mum asked me, she sounds slightly mad as I expected her to sound. "It was a one off, I thought it would help me get in shape" I lied "Jase, don't you know that steroids are bad for you" this time it was Holly that spoke "yeah I know just leave it alright, my heads spinning" I snap back, why wont they just let this be for Christ's sake "and what's this about you not taking your insulin for days, don't you know you could die without it" mum says, if she wasn't mad before she certainly is now, in fact she sounds furious "I just felt I didn't need it. can I get some sleep now" I snap slightly, I'm just so fed up with all these questions, it's not a big deal. "okay we'll talk more when you get some rest. Goodnight love" mum says and kisses me on the forehead "goodnight everyone" I say as I turn over as to not face anyone again and close my eyes.

 _Authors Note: This is my first authors note, because I wanted to address the whole Holly thing, I don't actually like her but after watching last nights Hollyoaks I thought of a good plotline to include her so now shes here :) and also thank you to rachbob and_ _djpes for the continued support and to all my readers and supporters, it means a lot xx  
_


	6. Going Home

I begin to open my eyes and turn onto my back, I look around with my half lidded eyes and notice mum and Holly sitting beside me asleep, I fully turn to look at them both and just watch them awhile.

I hear the door open so I look over and see Joe and Celine walking in "Hello Jason are you awake" Celine asks me softly "Yeah, just woke up" I say sleepily "do you want a drink Jase" Joe asks "a glass of water please Joe" I reply, my voice slightly dry from the need to hydrate my throat "be back in a sec" with that Joe leaves.

"I'm here to administer your insulin" Celine says and walks over to me "just leave me alone" I reply weakly, I really don't need this right now "I'm sorry Jason, I can see this may cause you discomfort you, and I know you think you can do without it, but truth of the matter is, that if you don't take it you will die. Look at you, because of your poor eating, use of anabolic steroids and missing your insulin you was in a coma for eight days, hasn't that taught you a lesson?" she questions me calmly "I'm not poorly eating, ask my brothers, I eat fine" I snap "You can't lie to me Jason, I've seen this before" "seen what? there's nothing wrong with me, it's just me!" I snap back angrily.

"It's just you? what's just you" Celine asks with concern dancing in her words "It meant nothing alright" I snap "just stick it in already" I say, I'm losing my patience. Celine comes closer to me, removes my covers pulls the hospital rope up slightly rubs my leg slightly and pushes the needle in the same area she rubbed I wince slightly, no matter how many times this has been done to me it still hurts.

"Jason, I know opening up may be embarrassing or may be difficult, but I'm always here to talk when you need it here" she holds out a piece of paper "That's my number, call me anytime you need something, I need to go now, will see you a nit later to talk properly" she says kindly, she then gets up and moves towards the door "good bye Jason, see you later" she says softly "Nye" I reply with a faint smile, with that she leaves the room.

The door swings open again only seconds later "got your water" Joe said and walked towards me "You feeling any better" He asked me, why does every one keep asking me that, I'm getting sick and tired of it. "I'm fine" I say for the unteenth time "can't I go home now Joe" I ask Joe, almost wanting to plead with him to take me home "I'm sorry you've got to wait three more days. Don't worry it'll fly by" Joe replies and smiles softly towards me "Yeah right. this is the worst thing for me is to stay in hospital, can't the at least take this damn drip out of me, I'm old enough to eat by myself" I snap, I'm getting so pissed off right now, I just wanna curl up in front of the telly and watch a good film with Holly. "Do you want me to go ask the doctor for you" Joe asks "Yeah, that would be nice" I reply, with that Joe walks of, opens the door and leaves the room.

I hear a rustle to the side of me so I take a look; Holly has just woken up "Hol, you awake" I ask her, she shuffles and sits it properly and exhales deeply through her nose and stretches "Yeah, how are you feeling this morning" She asks sleepily, I don't have the heart to be mad at her for asking simply because she looks so cute when she has just woken up "I'm fine, really wanna get out of hospital though" I reply "at least you don't have to stay for long, it's only three days" Holly reassures me "I know. Joe's just gone to ask the doctor if I can get this drip out of me" I say casually "I'm sure you can, they only put that in so you would be getting nutrition while you was in your coma" Holly paused and gave me a huge hug "Jase I was so worried, I literally thought you wasn't going to wake up" she kissed me on the lips; I kiss her back, her lips are so soft.

"Get a room you two" I know that voice, me and Holly break up the kiss "grow up Robbie" I snap at him, you'd think of him as an immature five year old who thinks his mum and dad kissing is gross "okay okay, keep your knickers on grumpy arse" Robbie cheekily replies back, I'm not in the mood for his banter today so I keep my mouth closed.

I see mum stir next to me, she opens her eyes and looks at me "Jason sweetheart, you feeling alright this morning" mum asks me, I seriously don't know how much f this I can take "I'm fine" I reply trying not to sound mouthy like Robbie. "that's good then" She then stands up and kisses me on the forehead "I'm going to the bathroom to lean myself up, wont be long love" she gives me one last kiss and leaves.

Joe returns with the doctor "yes Mr. Roscoe it is okay to have you drip removed as long as you eat your meals at meal times" The doctor informs me "yeah sure that's easy" I reply and with that he comes over, removes the drip and then leaves. "Better?" Joe asks me "yeah, much better" I reply.

After the three days it's finally time to go home, I've got dressed and is ready to leave when Celine walks in "Jason, just came to remind you that you can talk to me, I understand how you are feeling. You do still have that piece of paper I gave you right?" she asks me nicely "Yeah" I pull it out my jean pocket "good. then I'll see you soon" then she leaves "what paper?" Holly asks with a clear hint of jealousy in her voice "It's her number, gonna bin it when I get home" I reassure her "okay" she replies. "C'mon then Jase, lets get you home" Mum tells me, I couldn't be more glad to hear those words right now.

 _Authors Note: Third chapter today! omg just really felt the writing bug today :) will not be posting another one today, or tomorrow so the next chapter will be on monday :D thanks for reading xx_


	7. Home

We have just arrived home after leaving the hospital, Mum's been nagging me about the damn steroids and what bad they can do to you, I promised her I would throw them away as soon we got back just to shut her up, I'm not though; why would I?

Mum unlocks and opens the door "C'mon you lot get in" she says after walking in herself, we all follow her "I'm gonna go get me a shower, haven't had one in a few days" Joe said and went of upstairs to shower. "Do you want to watch a film or something" Holly asked me "dunno, what you got in mind?" I question her "I dunno either, whatever you want" she said with a smile. What do I fancy to watch? I know! "instead of a film, should we watch Family Guy?" I ask her "yeah sure, do you have the dvd's?"she asked me "yeah, I have them all, what series do you wanna watch?" I ask her, I don't really care which series, I just love them all "how about four maybe" she asks with the look of slight confusion, maybe she's trying to think through all the episodes "sounds good, I'll go and fetch it" and with that I take my leave up the stairs and to my bedroom to find the Family Guy dvd, I open the door and am very shocked to what I just seen; Robbie and Phoebe naked and fucking on my bed, I see Phoebe look at me "Robbie stop" she tells Robbie "why? aren't you enjoying yourself" Robbie asks her cheekily "It's not that, Jason's just walked in" she says clearly flustered by this whole situation "Oh shit" Robbie says and covers them in my quilt "Jase, welcome home, what do you want" Robbie asks me clearly out of breath slightly "GET OUT OF MY BED!" I shout at them, Phoebe jumps out and begins getting dressed "c'mon Jase, would you really have her falling out of my bed" Robbie said, not even making it any better.

Mum and Holly come rushing up "what's a matter love" Mum asks "Robbie, he's been having it of with Phoebe in my bed" I inform her "Robert Roscoe what have I told you about respecting others things, haven't I brought you up better then to do that to your own brother" Mum snaps at Robbie, Robbie looks taken aback and gets up and begins dressing himself, Phoebe has finished getting ready "see you later Rob" she pecks him on the lips and leaves. Robbie finishes getting dressed and goes to leave "where do you think you're going" Mum asked Robbie angrily "out" Robbie replies "no you're not, you're going to apologize to Jason and thoroughly clean his bed, under sheets included" Mum demands "but mu-" Robbie begins but is interupted "don't you but mum me young man. No arguements you clean his be" Mum demands yet again Robbie sighs "Fine" he strops and begins stripping my bed.

Mum heads back downstairs. "You can go back downstairs Hol, won't be a minute" I reassure her and then she leaves for downstairs, I begin searching my draws "looking for these" Robbie says and holds up the bottle of steroids "no, looking for Family Guy actually thanks" I say slightly snarky "once my arse" Robbie spat; why was he spying through my things the cheeky git. "What do you mean by that" I ask trying to sound surprised "You know what I mean. Unless you took half a bottle in one sitting it had to be more then once, shit he had been snooping. "Robbie just leave it alright, I'm not in the mood" I ask him. I finally find Family Guy and stand up and go to leave the room "I'm gonna tell Mum about this" Robbie said sounding rather pissed off "You wouldn't" I half question him "I would" Robbie adds back "anyway you can't if you have no evidence" I say and tackle him trying to get the steroids of him.

He knees me in the stomach as I tackle him, it makes me bend almost in half, then in that split second Robbie has me on the floor pinned beneath him; why is he so damn strong? I knee him an his nethers and kick him off me, I manage to land a punch on his right cheek, he comes back and punches me in between my eyes and on my nose; I get an instant nose bleed. I hear the stairs and see Holly and Mum come in. Robbie has me by the neck "you're pathetic" Robbie spat, my body froze I was losing oxygen but that didn't seem to bother me at all "you're pathetic" those words just echoed through my head and Robbie was ripping my oxygen away from my body.

"Break it up you two" I hear Joe say as I drift about in my subconscious mind; I can breath again. I wake with a sharp gasp and take a deep breath "ROBERT ROSCOE, LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE11" Mum shouts. Why doe my face feel so wet. I look over and Joe is restraining Robbie in just a towel wrapped around his hips, I touch my top lip and then look at my hand; It's blood red. "get out, go on go get a cool off and come back once you have grew up and apologize to your brother" she rages angrily and points to the door, Robbie storms off. "Jason, are you okay love" Mum asked me, the anger vanished from her voice "I guess so" I reply still gasping for breath "lets get you cleaned up" mum adds and takes me downstairs into the kitchen and cleans me up and puts a bag of frozen peas across my face.


	8. TV

It had been fifteen minutes since Robbie and I fought and even now I could still here those words he said "you're pathetic" ringing in my ears as if he was really standing there repeating those words over and over again in my ear.

I could finally take the damn peas off my face, Mum said that it would help he swelling and bruises, Joe had told me it looked like I went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. So I took them off and gave Mum the peas; Joe burst out laughing "what's so funny?" I ask confused, what had been so funny as to make Joe laugh like that? "your face" Joe said in between his laughing fit. Tell me something that I don't already know. "What about it" I snap back, I knew I was ugly, fat and pathetic but it didn't mean he had to laugh about it "It's so" he tried so hard to hold his laughter back, it was written all over his face "Swollen" he burst into laughter again "Joseph!" Mum exclaimed and clipped him around the ear, Joe stopped suddenly "sorry Jase" Joe looked apologetic "it's fine" I say with a huff.

"I need the loo" I say aloud and make my way upstairs and into the bathroom, I close the door and move over to the mirror and to see what had made Joe laugh so hard. I look at my own pathetic reflection and I can understand why it made Joe laugh so hard; my nose was crispy with dried blood, my both eyes was so puffy that my eyes looked very small "god I look worse then before" I mutter to myself, I then move over to the toilet and take my piss.

Once I have finished I make my way back downstairs and are greeted by Robbie in the front door way, I don't really want to see him right now so I move towards the living room before being held back by the arm "Robbie let go of me, haven't you done enough damage" I say grimly "I know, and I'm sorry Jase, I just got wound up, I'm sorry" Robbie said and pulled me closer and into a hug; it felt so nice, so warm and I hug him back tightly, my eyes filling up with tears.

Mum comes out the kitchen and sees us hugging "take it you boys have made up then" she asked the pair of us, Robbie pulled back abruptly and I secretly wipe my tears "Yeah" Robbie said to mum coolly and I just nod "that's good then" Mum smiles "oh and Jase, Holly is waiting for you" she smiled and moved back into the kitchen "best not keep her waiting ay" Robbie says "You can come watch Family Guy with us if you like" I smile at him "cheers mate"Robbie replies and we both move into the living room where Holly is.

We both sit down, I sit up against the arm snuggled up next to Holly and Robbie sits the other side "Hol, hope ou don't mind Robbie watching it with us" I ask Holly "you sure you want that Jase" she questions back at me "yeah, we've made up now" I reassure her "oh right, then no problem. should I press play?" Holly questioned me and Robbie "Yeah" me and Robbie said in unison; must be a twin thing and Holly pressed play all on the first disc.

We had finished watching a disc and Holly sat forward "do you guys wanna watch the next disc?" she asked the two of us "I'm up for it" I tell her "yeah" Robbie adds "okay then. Does anyone want any food" she asked us both again "yeah, I'm starving" Robbie said eagerly "I'm alright ta" I politely tell her "okay, what do you want then Robbie" she asked Robbie "some crisps or something" Robbie replied "alright I'll go to price slice and get us all a goodie bag of food to share, you can have some too when you feel hungry Jase, I'll get something you'll enjoy" She smiled brightly "okay be back in a sec" and with that she left leaving me and Robbie alone.

Twenty minutes had passed since Holly left and Robbie just went on about Phoebe the whole time. Then the door knocked "oh must be Holly" I said and got up and walked over to the door and answered it, to my surprise it wasn't Holly it was Celine "Oh what do you want" I snarkily ask her "just came to talk to your mum is she in?" she asked me "yeah" I reply to her "MUM IT'S FOR YOU!" I shout at mum. She comes over to the door "oh thanks for coming, lets go out to the dog to have a proper chat" Mum said to Celine "BYE BOYS" mum shouted to all of us and left to go to the dog with Celine.

I walk back into the living room "Wonder what mum wanted with Celine" I ask Robbie "I dunno" said Robbie quickly, almost like he was hiding something, I decide to take no notice of him then the door knocked again "that must be Holly this time" I get up for the second time and make my way towards the door and open it, this time it is Holly "sorry was I ages? the queue was a nightmare" she said "nah it's alright come in, don't think I could take any more of Robbie's long monologues about Phoebe" I reply to her "do you reckon he's in love" Holly questions me "I dunno probably" I reply and then we both walk back into the living room and sit back down.

"Right I got everything from lots of different flavour crisps, different chocolate, popcorn and a bunch of nick nacks. Do you want me to get you two a drink? I'm gonna make myself a cup of tea and wondered if you two wanted one" Holly asked us both "Yeah, I'll have a cup of tea then please" Robbie said "Yeah go on, I'll have a cuppa, no sugar please" I ask "okay then, how many sugars Robbie?" she asked Robbie "two please" he replied "okay then" Holly added and went off into the kitchen and made the three cups of tea.

She returned a few minutes later and gave me and Robbie our cups of tea and puts her own on the coffee table "do you two want me to put the next disc on now" she asked us both, we both nodded and she went over to the dvd player and swapped the disc over to disc two, she came back over, piked up her cup of tea and sat down in between us and took a sip of her hot tea.


	9. The First

We had been watching Family Guy for hours but now came the most dreaded time of the whole day; six o'clock which was tea time, ugh why does this time have to come.

"You lot, your teas are ready" Mum shouts "coming" Robbie shouts back "I'm starving" Robbie added to us "how can you be you've pigged out on junk all afternoon" I informed him "and? anyway I bet you're starvin, you ain't eaten anything all day" Robbie replied, I just stared at him for a moment before saying "not really" I look away from him quickly and avert my eyes to the window as if I heard a noise "Seriously Jase" this time Holly spoke, I looked back at her and her and Robbie was giving each other concerned looks "yeah, I'm tired that's all" I lie "I let you of with the snacks but I'm not letting you off with your tea" Holly said firmly "sure" I say. I'm pissed off, why wont they all just leave me alone.

Me, Holly and Robbie all enter the kitchen, Mum had made food and laid the table for five people; why, there's only me, Robbie Holly and herself here isn't there? so I have to ask "Mum why is it set for five" but before she can answer me I hear someone say "It's because I'm here" I knew that voice, I look to where the source of the voice came from "Dad?" I question him "What are you doing here" I ask clearly confused on this situation "Your Mum asked me to come around, then we thought it would be a nice surprise at tea for you two to see me" Dad said. I get now why when mum returned home two hours earlier that she ran into the kitchen and I heard the back t=door open and close sounding like someone was trying to be quiet.

"Well then every one sit down. Chop chop" Mum said and clapped her hands when she said chop chop, we all sat down, Holly sat next to me on the right side and Robbie sat next to me on the left side, Mum and Dad sat opposite us three. I investigated the contents on my plate it was boiled potatoes, some sort of meat which I was guessing to be pork, carrots and green beans "c'mon then you lot dig in" mum encourages, Robbie digs into his food like he hasn't eaten anything in his whole life, Holly digs in with sophistication and eats like a normal human being mum and dad are eating quite slow, probably due to the fact they are deep in conversation "It's so nice of you to come back for the boys Rick" mum said and placed a carrot in her mouth "It's not a problem" dad replied and shoved a whole half a potato in his mouth.

I still can't bring myself to eat "Jason are you okay, is there something wrong with the food?" Mum asked me "I'm just not that hungry" I lie, my stomach is rumbling and yearns to be fed, I just can't bring myself to put that shit in my body and make me even fatter, that stupid trip to the hospital had made me put on most of the weight I had got rid of, I was fat before I collapsed and I'm even fatter now "Bullshit" Robbie said, spitting bits of his food out as he said it "I beg your pardon young man" Mum said sternly, Robbie finishes chewing his mouth full and swallows it down "he ain't eaten anything today, how can he not be that hungry" Robbie replies to mum "Is that true Jason?" Mum asked me, damn it Robbie why do you always have to do this to me.

"No, of course not, he just hasn't seen me eat" I lie hoping this will be enough, Holly looks at me and speaks quietly "Jase, I've been with you all day, you haven't eaten" Holly looks concerned "what was that you just whispered to him" Mum directs towards Holly "Just that what Robbie said was true" Holly honestly tells mum "Holly!" I exclaim "sorry Jase, I had to" Holly said still looking concerned ""Whichever is true it doesn't matter as long as you eat what's on your plate" this time it was dad that spoke, what right does he have to just pop up out of nowhere and tell me what to do.

"I can't eat it" I say honestly "why not" mum asked me, why the fuck did I say that? I could of said anything, why that? "I feel sick" I half lie, the truth is I do feel sick, well only if I think about eating that! "still? do you want me to call the doctor and see if you're okay" Mum asked concerned, the last thing I want is to see the fucking doctor again "nah I'll be alright, just rally tired you see, just need a lie down" I half lie yet again, I am tired, but I don't really need a lie down "alright love, at least eat a little" mum smiled at me.

I pick my knife and fork up dreading what is to come I press my fork into my potato and cut of a small piece then that's when have an idea I move my fork towards my mouth and instead of placing it into my mouth, I slip it down my sleeve secretly and pretend to chew, I continue this for about half of my food then I pretend to swallow my last mouthful "finished" I smile towards mum "can I go get into pajamas now" I ask mum "sure you can darling" She smiles back at me and I leave for up stairs.

Once I reach upstairs I rush into my room, this food feels disgusting up my sleeve and I close the door behind me, I run to my draws and open the bottom one, I pull out a small plastic bag, the ones with a pop line to keep freshness and I open it, I empty the contents of my sleeve into it and close the bag up and put it into my bottom draw, I reach into my other draw and get my pajamas, red checked pajama bottoms and a black t shirt, I slip my slippers on and brush my hair and head back downstairs.

When I reach downstairs everyone had finished there food and mum was doing the washing up, Robbie and Holly was in the living room watching the itv news and dad was talking to mum, I walk into the living room and approach the sofa "budge up" I direct to Holly as she is sitting up against the arm I always sit against, she complies with no question, I sit down, put my arm around her and we sit and watch the news together.


	10. Runaway

It had been two weeks since I had first hid my food, Mum was completely unaware about this, I had thought she had found out a few times but it always turned out to be stupid nonsense, I need to weigh myself, I've been doing so well, I haven't eaten and I've limited my insulin, without it I pass out and I don't need to draw any unnecessary attention to myself and I've been doing tons or working out like, running and stuff.

I;m in the bathroom standing in front of one of thee most scariest things right now; the scales. I swallow hard and step onto them, I squeeze my eyes shut for a second dreading what the number will be, I open my eyes again slowly and look at the scales "fifteen pounds. I've lost fifteen pounds" I say to myself excitedly, I step off the scales feeling proud of myself.

I put my hoodie back on and walk out of the bathroom, I walk all the way down stairs and into the kitchen to fetch myself a glass of water, when I arrive in the kitchen Robbie is sitting across in the dining area talking with someone, I can't quite make out who it is because they are facing the other way, but I can tell it is a woman, I continue what I came here to do and I get me a glass and fill it with water, Robbie's head jolts towards me and he looks slightly nervous "Hey Rob" I say calmly to him "hey Jase" he replies sounding rather suspicious, the mystery woman turns her head around to face me; oh shit not again, it's Celine again, since I was in hospital she is like a bad smell, she's everywhere, I can't escape her. "Hey Jason, how are you" Celine says sweetly, ugh can she get anymore sickening right now, all she ever does when she sees me is ask me how I'm feeling and talk about my social life or some shit like that, I suppress all my feelings and say "Hey Celine, I'm fine, how are you" she smiles at me "I'm fine thank you"

"What brings you here" I ask her rather fast "here to see your mum, but shes not in so I've been talking to Robbie here"she said calmly with a smile on her face"Oh, right" I say and head towards the door "you're welcome to join us" Celine says kindly "nah you're alright, don't want to be the prune" I say slightly snarky and then leave for the living room, I sit down on the sofa and don't even bother turning the telly on, I just curl up and hug my knees while watching out of the window.

Why is she always here? Why is she always with my mum? why wont she just leave me alone?

The three whys, I just don't understand, what else I don't understand is why mum let dad move in, doesn't she think he's a waste of space, and that she shouldn't bother wasting her breath on him? lately everything around me has been quite confusing, but hey at least I have lost fifteen pounds.

My thoughts are cute short when I hear some one say "Jase, what you doing? why are you just sitting here without the telly on just zoning out the window" I knew who it was know, it was Ziggy "Thinking" I reply to him "about the day you fall down a drain" This time it was Freddie who spoke, he had just entered the room "shut it" I snap at him "what you gone and said that for" Ziggy shot Freddie a sharp glare "just a joke" Freddie adds looking slightly confused "anyway, do you want me to put the telly on? I think there's some boxing on" Ziggy asks me "yeah sure" I say back, I'm not really bothered what he does anyway.

Ziggy rummages for the remote control, finds it and flicks the telly on and changes it to the boxing "Zig, why is Celine always here" I finally ask someone "don't know sorry" he replies "what about you Fred" I ask Freddie this time "well actually-" Freddie is interrupted with Ziggy's obnoxious cough "sorry, as you was saying" Ziggy said and looked at Freddie, is this was a cartoon I would swear that Freddie would of had a light bulb above his head "right as I was saying, I was gonna agree with Zig, no clue mate" Freddie says and gave Ziggy a look as is to say 'was that okay'.

I decide to ignore my instincts telling me that something was going on behind the scenes as my paranoia, lately it always feels like people are always there, watching me, judging me or laughing at me. I shrug away these feelings and look at the telly, Ziggy and Freddie did the same "cor blimey, don't he know when to quit? he'll be in hospital before you know it" Ziggy commentated. Then we heard the door open and I hear Robbie shout "MUM IS THAT YOU" obnoxiously "YEAH" mum shouts back, she walks by the living room "you boys okay" she asked "yeah we're smashing ay we" Ziggy said me and Freddie just go along with him "Alright then" mum said and left for the kitchen.

I finish my glass of water and get up "gonna get a refill" I say and go towards the kitchen when I reach the door I stop and listen for a second "I have noticed that yeah" I hear mum say "any other signs" this time I hear Celine speak "I haven't seen him take his insulin today" I hear Robbie's voice say "maybe we should tell him" Celine says "no, he'll just think we're interfering, best just to play this out" Robbie said, that's it I've had enough I walk into the kitchen in a small storm and go fill my glass up.

I turn around to find them all staring at me "what!?" I snap "nothing darlin" mum said, obviously I know that's a lie "I heard you" I add "Heard us?" Robbie said looking from mum to Celine "yeah, and I know you was talking about me, come on spit it out" I spat "we know you're not taking your insulin properly, and have noticed a drastic change in your behavior, attitude and your weight, come one Jason, I told you I was here to talk, I knew as soon as I saw you in hospital you needed help" Celine said, Robbie and Mum shoot her a glare "sorry, he had to know the truth, and as he said he heard our conversation" Celine defended herself.

I look at all three of them "none of you understand" I begin, they all look at me "none of you understand me" I finish, I smash my glass down onto the fool, it shattered into millions of pieces and I ran open the back door, left through that door and ran away from that house, I ran and ran until I reached Holly's flat, I bang really hard on the door hoping that shes in, I hear her shout "alright alright, keep your hair on" then she opens the door "Jason, is everything alright" she asked looking concerned "sorta" I pant "can I come in" I just about make those word out, I'm knackered "yeah sure" she said and lets me inside the flat.


	11. Aware

I move over to Holly's sofa and flake on it, Holly sits down nest to me looking worried "Jason, what happened" she looked straight at me "my family, they think they know everything, but they don't, they don't know nothing" I hear my anger escape through those words, Holly looks more concerned "then what happened" She asked "They always have that bitch over, she just looks down at me, the stuck up cow" I spat, Holly looks taken aback by my sudden anger.

"Why wont they just leave me alone" I add feeling myself well up "awww Jason, come here" Holly said kindly and hugged onto me "It's okay, you've got me" Holly adds, I snuggle into her. The door knocks "hold on let me go see who that is" Holly said and went to get up "Don't, it's probably my family" I say "Then shouldn't I open it so you can sort it out" Holly questions me. Why would I want to speak to them, they've been going behind my back.

"No Holly, please don't" I plead with her "Okay then" Holly replies and she continues to hold me tight "Come on Holly open up, I know Jason's in there no use hiding it" It was Ziggy who spoke "Come on Jason, please let me explain" Mum said, is my whole family out there? "C'mon, don't make me brake down the door down" Joe spoke, why the hell was he there? he wasn't in the house. "Jase I'm gonna have to open it" Holly said and broke away from the hug and went to the door "please Holly, I'm begging ya" I plead with her "Sorry" she said and opened the door, a parade of Roscoe's run through the door including Celine.

"Jason darlin" mum said and came over to me "don't touch me" I say and move away "Jase, we did what we thought was best" Ziggy said "eating disorders are very serious, as I'm sure you're aware of" Celine says "eating disorder? there's nothing wrong with me, can't you get that into your brains, it's just me" my voice wobbles slightly "just look at me, I'm pathetic" I cry, I can't bare this pain anymore, mum comes right up next to me and embraces me into her arms for a warm hug "don't worry Jason, I'm here you can talk to me" mum says and rubs my shoulder.

My family, Celine and Holly look at me with pity as I sobbed into my mum, at this point I didn't care, it just felt so nice. "should we help you get better love" mum said quietly to me, I just shudder slightly, the door hadn't been shut through all the commotion and the cold was really hitting me "Robbie, shut the door, Jason's freezing up over here" Mum said to Robbie, Robbie complied and shut the door "What happened to my chunky boy ay, the one where I couldn't feel his ribs" mum said sincerely to me, it only made me cry more, was was I so disgusting, weak and pathetic, all that happened was they was talking about me behind my back for weeks and now it has turned into this.

"Come on then, should we get you home" Mum asks me, I nod silently and mum helps me up "can Holly come" I ask mum "of course she can" Mum replies "come on then you lot" mum said to everyone "I don't want Celine there" I say quietly to mum "oh, alright then darlin. Celine sweetheart, you can head of back to the hospital then love, we can take it from here" Mum said kindly "are you sure" Celine asks "yeah" mum replies and with that Celine left.

We had now all made it back home and into the living room, Dad was there watching telly "Oh Rick, you're back" Mum said to Dad "Yeah, was wondering where all you lot had gone to, it's a rare occasion in this house for it to be empty" Dad said, it was true though, it was a very rare occasion no one was in, probably because so many people live here. "we was all at Holly's to collect Jason, he's stormed out so we went to find him" Freddie said "why had he stormed out" dad asked "because he heard mum and Robbie talking with Celine about him not eating and stuff" Freddie replied to dad, mum, Ziggy. Joe and Robbie all shot him a glare but before Freddie could say anything "Not eating" Dad said looking disgusted "what do you mean by that" Dad finished "Celine reckons he has some sort of eating disorder" Freddie said.

I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable about this conversation, dad looks really mad "Eating disorder? a lad with an eating disorder, I thought only attention seeking girls had eating disorders" Dad said. Only attention seeking girls have eating disorders, had my dad just said that "It doesn't work like that Rick, he needs all of our support to get him through this so you need to understand, it's mental he can't help it" Mum corrects dad "Right" dad says in disbelief "so I'm supposed to accept that my son is an attention seeking little girl is that it" Dad said, ripping my feelings apart with every word he's saying.

"RICK!" Mum shouts "Don't say stuff like that, can't you see it's upsetting him" Mum snaps at dad "Fine whatever, anyway Sandy, isn't it about time you put tea on" Dad said to mum trying to ignore the subject "yeah, you lot look after Jason while I go cook everyone's tea, do you want some Holly" Mum asked Holly "yeah, if that's alright" Holly replies "of course it is love" and mum leaves to go cook tea.

I sit down as far away from dad as I possibly can, everyone else sits wherever they fit, Holly is sat next to me "Don't worry Jason, we can get you through this, I promise" Holly says to me smiling, I can't bring myself to smile, not after everything, with everyone lying to e and what my dad has just said "Don't worry about your dad, he just doesn't understand, he'll come around eventually" Holly reassures me, then smiles again and hugs me and holds me tight.


	12. Tea Time

It had been forty five minutes since mum had gone into the kitchen to cook us all tea, Holly was still holding me even though I stopped crying half an hour ago, my brothers just kept on looking at me sympathetically, they don't need to though, it makes me feel even more pathetic, and I don't think the way I'm feeling is helped by dad, he keeps on looking in my direction, shaking his head and tutting at me, why does he have to be this way.

"Tea's done" Mum shouts, Ziggy, Joe, Freddie and Robbie leap up and head straight for the kitchen, Holly looks at me and I smile at her and we both get up "Holly you go in there, I need a word with Jason" dad said to Holly "Jase, is that alright? do you want to talk to me" Holly asked me kindly "sure, it'll only be a short talk otherwise mum will go ballistic" I reassure her "okay then, if you need me I'll be in the kitchen" Holly smiles at me and leaves to the kitchen.

"Now Jason, I don't want any funny business in there, I want you to grow up and eat your food, you're not a child anymore, you should have more respect to your mother, do you hear me Jason" dad said sternly, why can't he just understand that I can't help it? "yes dad" I say to him, it was true I did hear him, it still make me feel any better, why does he have to be so horrible. "Good now get in there and eat" Dad said then left for the kitchen, I swallowed back my emotions and joined the rest of my family and my beautiful girlfriend in the kitchen.

I sit down in the empty chair where I usually sit, I am sat nest to Robbie and Holly, I look at my plate and I have a small portion of rice, with some kind of sauce that has peas in it, I look at everyone elses plates and they have the same, but they all have far larger portions than me "Sandy, why have you gave Jason a child's portion" dad said to mum sounding annoyed by this "Because if it's smaller he is more likely to eat it, besides it doesn't matter how big the portion is, as long as he at least tries to eat it" mum said to dad supporting me "this is what he wants you know; attention, and you're giving him just what he wants" Dad said, I slam my fist on the table leading everyone to look at me "Do you think I choose this, do you think I'd of chose to be this pathetic! do you think I want to look this fat and ugly? huh do you!" I almost shout angrily at dad "pack it in you pair" Mum raises her voice slightly "can we eat yet" Robbie asked, it looked to me like he was trying to change the subject "Yes, lets all do that" mum said.

Everyone then began digging into their meals, but mum, me and Holly didn't. I thought about not even trying then I thought about dad, I'm guessing Mum and Holly wasn't eating because they was looking at me so I pick my spoon up and get a small spoonful of rice with two peas on it and stare at it for a few moments before taking it and putting it into my mouth, I resist the urge to retch as I slowly and carefully chew my mouthful, I look around at everyone Ziggy, Robbie and Freddie was all just eating like pigs, Joe, Mum and Holly was smiling at me and Dad was giving me a stare, like the stare you would give a naughty child who is trying to apologize for something they have done.

Mum and Holly start to eat. I finish chewing my mouthful and collect up another one on my spoon, I look up at Dad who gives me a judging glare so I spoon that mouthful into my mouth too, I begin chewing it, but yet I can now feel that last spoonful coming back up, shit I need to get both down, I quickly try and chew my mouthful up, by the time I have finished chewing it, the last mouthful had joined the new one, I quickly swallow them both down with a slight quiet retch, Holly looks at me "You okay Jase?" she asked looking concerned "I'm alright" I lie while trying to keep this food down "are you sure" she asked "yeah fine" I reply.

Everyone but me have finished their plates now, and most of them begin to stare, Dad's stare was piercing, looking down at my plate I have only eaten about half and god was it hard to keep it all down "Jase sweetheart, if you don't want to eat that it's okay, you have eaten half" Mum said to me kindly, I was really glad to hear those words when dad burst my bubble "Sandy, It's only a tiny bit left, I'm sure he can eat it" Dad said to Mum, "Rick, it's good that he's eaten half a plate, leave the boy alone" Mum replies, Dad just gives her a judging look and leaves it at that.

Joe left out to go have a few bears with Freddie and a few mates, Ziggy went over to Leela's and the rest of us stayed in and watched the telly. I was sitting next to Holly, still trying to keep my tea down, I just couldn't take it anymore "I need the loo" I say and get up "be back in a sec" and I walk off and up the stair, I quickly make my way over to the bathroom, I open the door, step in and close and lock it behind me, I walk over to the toilet, flip both lids up and kneel down, I throw my head over the toilet and let my body do what it's craved to do since the first mouthful of my tea, I Open my mouth and let this disgusting substance leave my body, there is not much because that was all that I had eaten, I finish and put both lids down and flush, I move over to the sink and wash my mouth out, I then move over to the door, unlock it and open it it then close it behind me and then I make my way back downstairs.


	13. Joe's In Hospital

I reach the living room and enter, Holly looks back at me "better" Holly asked me "much better" I say with relief and come sit back next to her and snuggle back up and watch the telly.

I hear the phone ring "I'll get it" Mum said and got up and moved over to the phone, she picked up the phone and answered the call "Hello, oh hello love what's up, Joe? what happened too him. Oh god, I'll get everyone to the hospital straight away, bye love" with that she put the phone down and rushed into the living room "Joe's in hospital" Mum said almost in tears "Why what's up" I ask her "Fred reckons he's been spiked" mum said her voice shaking slightly, I look at everyone and they all look horrified, and I'm presuming I look the same "Is he gonna be alright" Robbie finally broke the short silence "We don't know yet, I'm going to the hospital, anyone want to join me?" Mum asked us all, we all get up and start to get out coats and shoes on "Come on then" Mum said and guided us out of the opened front door.

We all reach the hospital ad run to the front desk "We're here for Joe Roscoe" Mum pants to the lady behind the desk "Right this way" The lady said and guided us all to is room" There you go" The lady said and left, presumably back to her desk. We all enter and see Freddie and Ziggy inside the room with Joe; who is hooked up to all kinds of things, from machines to all different tubes, Ziggy is holding Joe's hand "baby" Mum exclaimed and ran to Joe's bedside and took a hold of his hands "So what's his condition" Mum asked both Freddie and Ziggy "he was spiked with a mixture of things, he's stable for now but the doctors need to monitor him for awhile" Ziggy spoke with sorrow laced deep within the words he spoke.

Mum gasped and looked horrified "He's going to be alright isn't he" Mum asked both Ziggy and Freddie again and I could hear that she was hoping for at least a glimmer of hope for her eldest son; my eldest brother. "He's had his stomach pumped three times, the doctor said he should be clear of the drugs and stuff that he ingested, the doctors are still running tests on what exactly someone had given him, the said they have never had a case like this, I think he meant in this hospital mind, but besides all that I think he should be fine" Ziggy said and smiled softly at Mum, Mum looked relieved to hear those words, we all made ourselves comfortable and sat down, most of us was on the floor.

Hours had passed and a doctor entered the room "It is time to leave" The doctor said "I need to know what happened to my son" Mum said to the doctor"The test will be back at nine am in the morning, come back in the morning and go rest at home for the night" The doctor said to us all nicely "What about my son" Mum said "He is perfectly safe here with us" The doctor said and smiled at mum, mum looked like she tried to think of some sort of excuse for the doctor to let her stay with Joe, but she seems to quickly give up on the idea "Come on you lot, lets get home and come back in the morning" Mum said to us, we all didn't dare question her and all left quietly with her.

When we was all home we didn't really say much to each other as we all just went straight to bed, it was almost two in the morning, I just lay there for awhile thinking about Joe, after awhile I fell into my slumber.

It felt like it was long after I actually fell asleep that I heard tampering downstairs, I get up and look at the time, It's half past six in the morning, I exit mine and Robbie's bedroom and make my way down the stairs sleepily and I'm greeted by mum finishing her tidying up, I know it's the end as she is tidying up tables in the hall, how long had she been awake for? "Mum what are you doing up this early" I ask her "couldn't sleep, so I thought to tidy up first then go see Joe" She said and looked at me, I could tell she had been crying as her eyes was really red and puffy, I come closer to her and give her a big hug "It's okay mum, Joe's going to be fine" I rub her shoulder "Yeah, you're right love" mum hugs me back.

It had been an hour since I found mum finishing her tidying up and everyone was now awake and ready to leave the house "everyone ready" Mum called to us all, we all nod "Okay then lets go" Mum said and open the door and guided us all out of the front door and shut it behind us, we all made our way to the hospital.

We all make it to the hospital and make it to Joe's room at five past nine in the morning "The doctor should have the results for us now" Mum said with hope and sits down next to Joe and grabs his hands, we all sit around and get comfortable. It wasn't long until the doctor came in "I heard from one of the nurses you had already came here" The doctor said "Of course, he's my son" Mum said "I bet you're all wondering about the results" The doctor said, that was such an obvious question to ask "Well we found traces of Gamma Hydroxybutyrate, Rohypnols and cocaine in his system, as we all know that it is very rare to spike someones drink with cocaine, but not completely no existent so does any of you know if he was taking cocaine prior to the incident" The doctor asked "No, I'm one hundred percent sure about this doc" Freddie said with concern written all over his face "I see well, if there is anything you need just press that button there." The doctor finished and left the room.

An hour had passed since the doctor told us what the news was on the drug test they took from Joe then Joe's eyes flickered "Joe, are you with us" Mum said with glee "I-" Joe croaked before his heart machine bleeped strange and Joe's eyes closed as he flat lined "JOE! JOE!" Mum shouted and hit the button to call the doctor, a whole team of doctors and nurses came rushing in "We need you all to leave now" One of the nurses said, and we all was pushed out the room by the doctors and they shut the door, I listen slightly when I heard someone say "Clear" then the sound of electricity, Mum was in tears sobbing into Ziggy's shoulder, tears fall silently down my cheek; Is Joe going to die?

 ** _Authors Note: Dramatic chapter, sorry for not uploading in a few days, have been super busy/down. Anyways hoped you enjoyed, please rate and review, your review always inspire me. And thank you all, have just reached 500 views thank you all so so much, love you all :) xx_**


	14. Welcome Home

The doctors had only been in with Joe for a short amount of time before one of the nurses came out "he's stable, we will be keeping an eye out for him, so at least two doctors will be in his room at a time so that if this happens again we can be there and ready to resuscitate him. Also you can all come back in now" the nurse tells us, and most of the doctors and nurses leave accept two obviously and we all come pouring back in and by Joe's bedside.

It had been a while of us all stressing about whether or not Joe was going to be okay, most of us wouldn't even speak of the thought of Joe not being there anymore; I couldn't even imagine it, the feeling of him not being there scared me, I just keep on thinking what is he never wakes up now, even if he's not dead he could be stuck in a coma, what about if I never got my big brother back, he always knows how to cheer me up whenever I'm down, he will generally always know if something is wrong with anyone, not just family. I begin to feel wetness running down my face and I realize, I'm crying.

I suddenly feel someones arms wrap around me, I open my eyes and look towards this comforting figure; It's Robbie. I fall into his shoulders holding onto him, hugging him so tight, I just let my emotions go and begin to sob uncontrollably into Robbie, he holds me tight and whispers gently to me "It's going to be alright, Joe's tough, nothings gonna stop him that easily" Robbie reassures me, it helped slightly but it still didn't stop that nagging feeling deep inside of me telling me that I was never going to speak to him ever again. I looked up to Robbie and he smiled at me, I smile weakly back and slump myself back into his chest, why can't I control this damn emotions.

A few minutes had past of me sobbing into Robbie, it was strange usually by now he would have shoved me off and told me to stop being a baby or something, but not this time, he kept a hold of me and kept on hugging me and telling me everything was going to be alright. "Joe, Joe, can you hear me" I hear mum say, I emerge out of Robbie's shoulder and see Joe's hand move, we all rush to Joe's bedside "mum" Joe croaked "yes love" um said eagerly "water" Joe croaked out again, if he wanted water it would explain the croakyness "of course, Freddie get the water" Mum tells Freddie, Freddie gets the water and pours it into the cup and holds it out to mum, mum takes the glass of water "Freddie, Ziggy help him sit up a bit" mum directs towards Freddie and Ziggy, they both comply to her and help him sit up slightly, mum presses the glass to Joe's lips and he begins to drink it, he finishes the whole glass and holds over his stomach "why did it hurt" Joe asked sounding more replenished "you had your stomach pumped love" Mum tells him "Oh, I remember now" Joe said and Freddie looked like he was going to shit himself.

"Go on love, tell us what happened" Mum urges Joe to tell us all "we was at the pub with a few mates, and one of Freddie's mates, what was his name...Sean was it" He looks at Freddie for conformation and Freddie nodded still looking like he was going to shit himself "right then Sean said he was going to get the next round in, and said we was gonna feel great, I didn't know what he meant but I said okay anyway then once he got the drink and we'd been drinking it I began to feel strange, fuzzy headed and stuff like that, I felt like I was gonna be sick so I went to go to the bathroom then that's all I remember" Joe recalled, mum looked angry at Freddie "Why didn't you tell us that before" Mum scolded at Freddie "slipped my mind" Freddie said to mum clearly lying "we'll talk about this later" mum finished towards Freddie.

"well anyway, how are you feeling love" Mum said to Joe while smiling at him "shit, how else" Joe replied not even sugar coating it "Thanks Fred" Joe snarkily remarks "I didn't know" Freddie tried to make that clear, he was looking at everyone, the look of seeing if anyone believed him, I have no idea what to believe, all I really cared about was the fact that my brother was awake and that as Robbie had said; everything was going to be okay.

I moved even closer to Joe and gave him a hug, my wet face caressing his arm "aww Jase" Joe said and pulled his arms around me "no need to cry, I'm alright" Joe reassured me, I knew this but I was now crying not because I didn't know if he was going to be alright, I was now crying because he was alright and that I hadn't lost my biggest brother. Mum rubbed my shoulder "don't cry love, Joe's fine now, don't need to ruin you beautiful; face" Mum told me, beautiful face? what the hell is she taking? I decide not to question her choice of words as I think it's an inappropriate time and continue to hug onto Joe.

Fifteen days had past since Joe woke up, the doctors kept him in hospital for so long because of the strangeness of the drug combination and that he flat lined but now it's time for him to go home. Me Mum and Ziggy was at the hospital to pick him up and the others stayed at home to welcome him back we was all standing at the front desk with Joe, checking him out of this retched place, once he was all checked out we all headed out and into Mum's car, mum was obviously driving and me, Ziggy and Joe was in the back, I was sitting in the middle with Joe on my right and Ziggy on my left, It was quite a quiet ride home minus the fact of Ziggy eyeing up the girls walking by and Joe keep saying that he can't wait to get home.

Once we had arrived home mum opened the door and let us all in and shut the door behind us, we all rush into the living room leaving Joe behind, and as Joe walks in we all shout "Welcome home" Joe looks shocked but happy, he looked at all the stuff around like the welcome home banner, the finger buffet, the balloons and even the telly as we put the wrestling on for him, and he notices that not only is the whole family here including dad, Holly is also here and we are all holding up large cards and on each one there is a word, the whole message says; welcome home Joe we have missed you. "Oh my god, thank you all so much" Joe said with clear appreciation laced in his voice, he looked like he was going to cry, we all put our cards down and mum goes over to hug him "so glad you're home love" Mum says to Joe "thanks" Joe replies and they brake their hug up "can I did in" Joe asks to us all "Course you can, it's your party" Ziggy tells Joe. He goes over to the buffet and digs in, a few join him and I sit on the sofa not really feeling up to it, we all have a nice party for welcoming Joe back home.


	15. Incident

It had been two weeks since Joe got back, everyone was so focused on Joe I could seem to do whatever I like. It was finally time yo take a look at myself, I couldn't weigh myself because the scales broke, Ziggy had dropped a heavy weight on it and broke the one side, so I stand in front of the mirror and take my jumper hoodie and t shirt off and look forward at my reflection. "What is this" I say to myself in anger, I turn to the side and look at myself from that angle to see if I was seeing right "Why am I fatter, why hasn't this worked" I angrily question myself, now I can't escape the fact that no matter how much I try I'm still fat, worthless and pathetic, I angrily put my t shirt and jumper hoodie back on and go to walk away, I look back and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and that was it, I couldn't take it anymore I rush back to the mirror look at my own disgusting reflection one more time and I punch the mirror, I punch it again and again until all that is left is shards, a few of those shards went into my sleeve; one of which cut a long straight line against my arm. Why did it feel so good? I pull my sleeve up where the glass had cut me and look at the perfect red line that began to drip tiny little droplets of blood, I pick up the shard of mirror and violently slash at my arm.

Five minutes later once I have realized what I have done I stop abruptly and look down at my arms, they look like they have been attacked by Edward Scissorhands; What have I done? I quickly find the first aid kit that is now in the bathroom after the last time I smashed the mirror, and get out some cut cleaner and clean them up and bandage my arms up, the bandage went from my wrist all the way to my elbow, I really hope no one finds out about this, I make my way back downstairs as if nothing happened then Robbie bumps into me in the hallway "I was just coming to see you, what was all that noise" Robbie asked me "It's nothing, get out my way" I reply and try and move away from Robbie "if it's nothing why have you got blood on you jeans" Robbie said and pointed to my jeans, I look down and realize what he said was true, I did have blood down my jeans. I shove Robbie away and head for the door "Where do you think you're going" Robbie said "out" I snap back at him and I open the door and storm out, not even bothering to shut the door behind me.

I storm through the village and into price slice, I got and get a bottle of water off the shelf and go to the counter and put it on there, Cindy picks up the bottle "that will be one pound ten please" Cindy told me, I reach into my pocket and give her my change; one pound fifty "keep the change" I say and grab the bottle and leave, I stand outside of price slice and open the bottle up and take a drink from it, I screw the lid back on and begin to run to the folly. Once I reach the folly I am exhausted, all of this missing meals is knackering me out, I start feeling sick and really dizzy, I sit down on the floor trying to regain the feeling to my legs as my vision becomes hazy, I try to rack my brain as to why I feel like this then I realize, I haven't taken my insulin. I begin to panic, no one knows where I am, I pull my phone out of my pocket and try and to focus on my screen, I look into my contacts and call the first name of the person who can help; Freddie, so I call him, he's taking awhile to pick up, my vision is completely hazy and now I can't really see anything, I try and stay conscious and he finally picks up "Jase, what you calling me for, I told you I was busy" Freddie snaps at me through the phone "in-ins...fol-" the world goes black and I fall backwards to the ground.

I wake up and I'm in hospital, I look around and no one is there, I begin to take the tubes and stuff from me, I see my pile of clothes and get dressed, I feel a little hazy still but I leave the room non the less, I make my way through the hospital and wake up to the front desk "I'm leaving" I say and go to walk out "wait" I hear a woman call after me, I turn back to see Maxine "what" I say to her "are you sure you're alright? you was in a bad way, the doctor patched up your arms" Maxine said and smiled at me "you brought me hear" I ask her in disbelief "yes" Maxine replies "Not Freddie" I ask her "No, why" she asked me looking confused "nothing, anyway don't mention this to anyone okay" I ask her hoping this will never get out" sure, I guess" she replies "thanks" I reply with a smile and leave the hospital.

I walk all the way back home not even knowing the time, I'm guessing it's late because it's pretty dark, I reach the front door and unlock it and let myself in, shutting the door behind me. "JASON IS THAT YOU" I hear Mum shout "yeah" I say loudly but still not shouting. Mum comes out of the living room "where have you been" mum sounds angry "clearing my head" I lie "Robbie said you had blood on you and when he went to the bathroom the mirror was shattered and there was blood everywhere, so I went and saw the state of the bathroom, I cleaned it up and half called you at least fifty times. Explain yourself young man" Mum finishes still sounding furious, I try to come up with an excuse, but I couldn't "please just leave it, I'm tired and I'm going to bed" I say and try and leave for upstairs but mum stops me "Jason Roscoe you tell me what has happened right this instant" Mum demands, I finally snap "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" i exclaim loudly and storm off upstairs and lock myself in mine and Robbie's bedroom, I strip my clothes of and get into my red checked pajama bottoms and my black t shirt that was a hand me down from Ziggy and jump into bed ad completely cover myself up in quilt, trying to pretend that I don't exist, that I wasn't even born, that I wasn't the most pathetic human being; if I can even call myself that, in the whole wide world, even if it would be for one minute or so, that moment would be the happiest day of my life so far.


	16. Robbie and Jason

I wake up at three in the morning, my face feels crispy from the dried tears as I had cried myself to sleep last night. I get out of bed because I really need to pee, I look up to Robbie's bunk and realize he's not there and remember I locked the door so I bet he's probably sleeping on the sofa or something, I go over to the door, unlock it and go to the bathroom and open the door, I walk in and close the door behind me. I sleepily go over to the toilet, lift the lids up and take a pee, I put the lids down, flush and go and wash my hands and face, I walk back over to the door, open it and exit the room shutting the door behind me, I go to the top of the stairs and gently walk down them trying to make as little noise as possible, once I reach the bottom I walk over to the living room and take a peek, Robbie is lying on the sofa bundled in blankets with his one leg hanging out and of the sofa, his both arms was out the blankets and flopped on top of himself and his mouth was wide open cutely snoring, I smile to myself and go into the kitchen, I pull out a glass and fill it with water, I take a sip from that glass and go and sit down at the table.

I start to drift into thought about my life when Robbie sleepily stumbles into the kitchen "Jase, what you doing up" Robbie slurred "needed to pee, thought I'd get a glass of water before I headed back to bed" I told him honestly, Robbie yawned and rubbed his face up and down with both of his hands, once he finished that he looked at me slightly strangely "have you been crying" Robbie asked me "does it matter" I say back to him "yeah, also what are all them bandages for" Robbie said and moved closer to me a touched the bottom part of my left arms, I winced at his touch "aw Jase, what have you done" Robbie said looking slightly sad and slightly concerned, Robbie was never any good at showing these types of emotions. Robbie came behind me and hugged me around my shoulders "Jase, we're twins, talk to me alright? it's my job to protect you, all you have to do is let me in alright" Robbie said sincerely, at this point I couldn't help myself, tears welled up in my eyes and slowly began to fall gently down my sleepy face.

"Jase, come on man it's alright" Robbie said and dried my tears "stand up" Robbie told me, I comply and he fully hugs me, holding me tight, I have never felt anything like this in my whole life, It felt like it was me and Robbie against the world, I didn't feel pathetic, I felt protected, Like nothing could harm me ever, not even the voice that has told me all these disgusting things about me my whole life, everything was blocked out besides the feeling of this embrace and the feeling that as long as I held onto Robbie, nothing could harm me. Robbie broke my chain of thoughts "did you use the mirror shards" Robbie asked, still slightly lost in thought I began to feel confused, what was he saying about the mirror shard? I think Robbie could sense my confusion "Your arms, I now they are cut, I could tell from the bloody shard of mirror in the bathroom, I hid it from mum so she wouldn't find out, just in case you didn't want her knowing" Robbie said softly. Why was he being so nice? what ever the reason I didn't want this feeling to stop so I held on tighter.

"thanks" I manage to let escape my lips through my sobs "I'm sorry Robbie" I say to him and begin to sob violently "Why are you sorry mate" Robbie said sounding concerned "I cut them" I sniffed hard trying not to snot on him "Your arms" Robbie asked, and I just nodded. Robbie held me tighter "it's okay. I'm here, no one is going to hurt you" Robbie said kindly, I begin to feel wetness coming from his face; Is Robbie crying? I decide to ask "are you crying" I ask and look up to him, he hides his head into my hair "why would you say that" Robbie unconvincingly lied "because you are" I said to him, now knowing he was crying for sure. I hug him tighter and whisper "I'm sorry."

We continued this hug for awhile. We was silently crying onto each other before Robbie finally broke the silence "don't worry Jase, I'll get you through this, I will protect you and no one will ever hurt you again, you're my brother; my twin, and I will protect you as long as I'm still breathing, heck I'll even protect you when I'm dead" Robbie said kindly, Robbie had never said anything so nice to me, actually no one has ever said anything nicer before what Robbie has just said to me, I will remember those words for an eternity. I snuggled deeper into his chest and whispered "Thanks Robbie, you're the best" and smiled contently. This continued for a few moments before Robbie said "I love you Jase" I was taken aback, never had Robbie ever told me this before "I love you too Robbie" I say back to him, I begin crying more now, I felt so special, so unpathetic, so happy. I smiled again to myself hoping this moment would never end.

I hear movement from upstairs, I hear a door open and close and someone come down the stairs and into the kitchen "not interrupting anything am I" I not identified who that person was that entered mine and Robbie's safe zone; it was Ziggy. Robbie quickly broke the hug up and wiped his face swiftly "You lads alright" Ziggy asked with concern laced into his voice, me or Robbie couldn't say anything, I didn't try and cover up that I was crying and even though Ziggy could only see Robbie from behind, it was still obvious that he was crying, his shoulders was violently shacking. "come here you two" Ziggy said kindly and swooped us up into a hug, It was nice, cosy and warm, Ziggy was always super warm after being in bed, he was like a hot water bottle in the winter when you're cold. Both me and Robbie held onto Ziggy tight, and cried into Ziggy's chest.

Never had I ever felt so much love in one moment as this one, memories like this will last an eternity.


	17. Calendar

The next morning after mine and Robbie's heart to heart was a nice one, it was calm, Ziggy was also extra nice, mum had picked up on this sudden change in all three of out moods "why you three in such good moods" Mum asked us all, Ziggy had been singing all morning and Robbie said he's wash the pots after breakfast was done, I had two pieces of toast, they are still in my dressing gown pocket, I couldn't bear to eat it this morning and yet I couldn't bear to see their faces if I didn't eat it, so I pretended to and just stuffed them into my pocket wrapped in a napkin. Ziggy stopped his singing "ya'know a bit of this and a bit of that" He said and winked at me "well as long as you're all happy" Mum said with a smile.

Once everything had been tidied after breakfast we all went to go and watch telly, Ziggy insisted to watch TOWIE, as he put it "come on lads, there fit birds left right and center" me or Robbie didn't protest as whatever Ziggy wanted on the telly generally always goes on no matter how much you protest, he will even go as far as hiding the telly remote in his underwear as so no one can change the channel "don't worry lads, your secret is safe with me" Ziggy said then Freddie burst into the room "What secret" he said, scaring me, Robbie and Ziggy half to death "mind your own business" Ziggy said cheekily towards Freddie "alright alright" Freddie said with a huff and jumped on the sofa "TOWIE" Freddie said with displeased tone of voice "Yeah, the birds am fit" Ziggy told Freddie in the same tone he had used on me and Robbie just moments earlier "Oh alright" Freddie huffed and looked towards the telly.

Me, Ziggy, Robbie and Freddie had been watching telly for an hour and a half when the phone rang, I heard that it was Joe who answered the phone "Hello, Roscoe's house, how can I help you" I heard Joe say "Alright, I'll get him for you know" and then Joe came into the living room with the phone "Zig, that photographer is on the phone" he said to Ziggy and handed him the phone "hello" Ziggy said to the photographer who was on the phone. Why was a photographer on the phone? that's what I wanna know. "Yeah alright, we'll see you at twelve then, alright bye" Ziggy said and hung up, he chucked Joe the phone, Joe put it back from where it came from and reentered the living room "what photo shoot" Was what Joe asked first "well I thought we could make a calendar, just us Roscoe boys, been planning it for ages" Ziggy said excitedly.

A calendar? all us Roscoe boys? photograph? everyone can see me? I begin to panic, everyone was going to see me, what if he wanted them to be shirtless pictures? what would I do? people can't see me as a fat piece of shit, I need to get in shape and quick.

"wicked" Robbie said sounding almost as excited as Ziggy, all I could feel was dread "This is at twelve right? best go get a shower" Freddie said and lept upstairs obviously to go and get a shower "Nice one Zig" Joe praised Ziggy "thanks lads" Ziggy said with glee dancing in his voice, I couldn't brake his bubble but I was not ready today, maybe I could see if I could convince him to postpone it for at least a week so I can get a bit more in shape "Does it have to be today" I say calmly as not to upset Ziggy "Yeah, why have you got something planned" Ziggy asked me, I couldn't hardly tell him that I was to ugly to be seen in a calendar so I just say "nah, just wondering" and I smile at Ziggy, he gives me a cheesy smile back.

A hour and a half had passed and we was all ready and cleaned, I was last in the shower and when I came down Holly was there "Jase, can I talk to you" Holly asked me sounding concerned "can;t it wait" I ask her, Ziggy had already told me before I went in the shower to hurry up otherwise we'd be late "come on Jase, she can wait, hurry up" Ziggy encouraged me "Jason, this is serious we need to talk" Holly reminded me, what could be so important as she sounding so serious "Uh oh, when a woman says that your in big trouble" Joe teased me "shut up" I say to Joe "sorry Hol, catch up with ya later alright" I say as I'm being pulled out the house by Ziggy, Holly doesn't give up though as she follows me.

Once we are at the garage, Ziggy goes and gets our overalls and some baby oil, throws everyone there own share "oil up lads and get them on" Ziggy informs us all and follows his own orders, everyone else begins to follow hi but me, I feel too nervous, how the hell am I supposed to get my picture took when I look like this? Holly whispers in my ear "I know about the food" I'm shocked, how the hell did she find out about this? was she snooping in my room, I pull her to the side so we can talk "what do you mean" I lie to her, I know that it's the food in my draw, she's been snooping in my things "In your draw" Holly said to me sounding deflated "What food" I continue the lie "You know what I mean" Holly informs me sternly. Why is she doing this now "leave it, Ziggy wants me to do this photo shoot thing" I ask her, hoping she would just drop the whole subject "Jason, this is serious, I'm going to have to tell your mum" Holly tells me, At this I lose it "Just leave me alone" I snap rather loudly gaining the attention of all of my brothers, but at this point I don't care, I storm out and run back home.

Once I reach home I open the door and go to slam it behind me, Holly catches the door before it closes and shuts it behind herself running after me up the stairs, I get to my room and storm in and flop on my bed, Holly enters the room "Jason, I'm sorry, I can't keep this locked up, you're killing yourself, you're not the man I fell in love with anymore, I'm going to have to tell you mum" Holly said panting slightly, why would she do this if she loved me? "If you tell my mum that's it for us" I say to her coldly "It doesn't matter, I just cant let you kill yourself" Holly said to me, doesn't our love mean enough to her?

She runs out the bedroom and down the stairs, I run after her know she will tell my mum "Holly please, you don't understand, I will change" I plead with her and she stops in front of the front door "I've heard that before by many people Jase, what makes you so different" Holly asked me "I spoke with Robbie last night, he's going to help me" I say trying to convince her not to tell my mum "even if that's true, she still deserves to know" Holly is very persistent "no she doesn't! no one needs to know how pathetic and weak I am" I shout at her and run upstairs and lock myself in my bedroom, Holly obviously followed me as I hear her knocking on the door shouting my name.

I walk forward and look in the mirror, I feel so angry, I begin to smash the room up, I hear Holly's knocks and her calling getting louder nut I don't care, I'm just so angry, I continue smashing then my eyes fixate on the little trophy on the side I pick it up and start to smash the mirror, Holly's knocking stops and I here her talking to someone that.s not me, I slump to the floor and lean up against my bed hugging my knees. Why am I so pathetic?


	18. Open

I sit here on this god forsaken floor, thinking on why it had become like this, why and something as my entire being ruined everyone elses life, why was I so weak that I had to listen to everyone, including this nagging voice in my head, why hadn't I just shunned them away like everyone else did, why was I being so pathetic.

I begin to hear talking outside the room, I try not to listen as it's probably just Holly telling Mum what has happened. The bedroom door knocks again, ugh it's probably Mum, she probably wants to tell me how stupid I've been "Jase, open up mate" It was Joe's voice that echoed through the door not mum's, and this time not Holly's. Obviously when I heard her talking she was probably phoning Joe, I didn't care though, I was not letting anyone see me looking this pathetic again so I ignore him "Jase, if you don't open the door I'm gonna have to let myself in" Joe called to me again, why wont they all just leave me alone.

"Jase, I'm giving you to three. one...two...three. That's it, I'm coming in" Joe said, he did stick to his word, Joe broke the door down and Joe came in, followed by Ziggy, Robbie and Holly. I can't hear anyone move, I'm guessing they're shocked by the mess of the room, and maybe by the pile of glass from the mirror on the floor with a trophy in the pile, specks of blood lay with the mirror shards as I slightly cut my hand in the process of smashing it. I hear someone move and sit next to me, they wrap their arm around me, I finally open my eyes to see who this warm embrace belongs too; It was Joe. I try to speak but nothing but sobs escape, I limply fall into Joe's arms, I can not take this anymore, why can't I feel normal for once, why can't I be like everyone else my age, going out, having fun, not feeling so useless and pathetic.

Joe wraps his other arm around me "It's alright Jase, we'll get you through this, don't you worry lad" Joe said and held me tighter, I hold onto him in this beautiful moment; I feel safe. This moment lasts for awhile, I have no idea for how long, but all I know is that I want moments like these to last forever, Joe finally breaks the hug up "Jase, I was wondering, would you like to go see a therapist" Joe asked me calmly. A Therapist? a person to tell me this that and the other is wrong with me mentally? why would I want that "they're bullshit" Those words escape my mouth without giving me time to filter it "They're not" Joe reassures me "They are specially trained people to help the people in need, all I want if for you to get better, I want to see you smile, I want to hear that laughter you've always had, like the time when we pranked Robbie when we switched his face cream for his spots with toothpaste" Joe reminded me, I chuckle softly at the thought of this.

Robbie used to always wear this cream to try and repel the teenage spots, and the once me and Joe had decided to switch the cream with toothpaste as they was the same colour he didn't notice, so when he applied the toothpaste thinking it was his cream, his face stayed white and I remember him saying to me "think my skins sensitive, this is starting to sting a little" at the time I had to try not to laugh, once he applied it it fully started to burn, he freaked out completely, he was calling for Mum, she came rushing in thinking something serious had happened by the way Robbie was screaming for her, once she realized what had happened she took him to the bathroom and washed his face, once mum and Robbie came down me and Joe couldn't contain ourselves, we burst into laughter, the toothpaste had slightly burnt his face, he was as red as a tomato, but knew it was me and Joe who did it and we got grounded for a month, it was worth it though.

Joe laughed along with me, and I heard Robbie grunt "see, we had a lot of fun together ay Jase" Joe said kindly and rubbed my shoulder, he moved his hands to my face and gently wiped my tears away "Right, no more tears, and I'm going to book you for that therapist and I'm not taking no for an answer, even if you go once, at least you've tried" Joe said kindly and gave me one last hug before leaving the room to phone the therapist."Jase, Joe is right you know, you do need to see this therapist, it might be just what you need" Holly tries to reassure me about this; it's not working though, I hate the idea of a therapist, they get inside your head and find out whats wrong, it's really creepy, I decide not to tell her that her reassurement didn't work so I simply say "I guess."

Robbie came over to me "Jase mate, I'm sorry I was never there for you, I really am" Robbie said sounding slightly wobbly and pulled me into his embrace, it was warm, also very sweaty, I think he may of run to get here, I hold onto him tight, I know he;s an arsehole and he's always getting into trouble and all that, but one thing I can never deny nor can I ever escape, he's my twin brother, even though I have three other brothers, the relationship me and Robbie have together is special, irreplaceable, I don't know what I'd do without him, I don't even think I could live with myself.

I hold onto him, we're in that safe zone again; protected by our bond, this is what I have been waiting for for my whole life.

 _ **Authors Note: Thank you for reading the chapter and stuff, if anyone is reading this who also is reading my other story: Hollyoaks oneshots. then I will tell you that the chapter will be up probably tomorrow, I have been busy and haven't got around to writing it, my main story is this one, so because I have had a little time I wrote this chapter. Also would like to know if anyone knows whether I will be needing to change the rating of the oneshot story due to the next chapter being self harm? tell me in the reviews please :) thank you and will probably also update this story tomorrow too, don't forget to review, just because they give me inspiration and I love hearing from my readers, see you tomorrow :) xx**_


	19. Doctor Dean Wllde

It had been a whole nine days since Joe had called for a therapist, and today was my appointment at two in the afternoon, I lie here in my bed for awhile hoping that this day doesn't even have to start, and then Robbie walks up and climbs down the ladder "c'mon Jase, ruse and shine, gotta get yourself ready for two alright" he said and bounced of the ladder and left the room to go downstairs for breakfast probably, I sigh and sit up, I climb my way out of bed and go and administer my insulin and go downstairs too.

"Good morning Jason, how are you feeling this morning" Mum asked me as soon as I entered the kitchen, I sigh "how do you think" is my reply to her "no need to be snappy young man" Mum said back to me "sit down and I'll bring you all your breakfasts"£ Mum said kindly, even though I feel sick to my very core I sit down none the less "are you nervous for today" I hear Joe say but I don't realize he meant the question towards me until he poked me in the arm "Jase, you with me" Joe had said "sorry what" I asked him in confusion, Joe chuckled and said "are you nervous for today" and rubbed my shoulder, even though I felt like I was about to throw up and the thought of even going there I just shrug at him and try to ignore what he had just said "oh, alright. Just talk to me about it if you need too" Joe said and rubbed me on the left shoulder and sat back down at the table properly.

Mum came in and put everyone's breakfast on the table; five pancakes with golden syrup on them. "go on you lot, dug in" Mum said with enthusiasm and she looked over at me, this breakfast choice was unusual, she never made this as for my sugar levels and everyone elses fitness diets and what have ya, but by the way mum was looking at me I'm gathering she did this on a purpose as it was always my favourite breakfast as a kid, all my brothers was looking at Mum strangely before mum stared them down and they began eating, mum kept eye focus on me the whole time, I pick up my knife and fork and begin to cut up my pancakes, mum smiled at me and I smiled back, she then took to cutting up her own pancakes, once I had cut my pancakes into tiny mouthfuls I get up a small piece and insert it into my mouth; why does this taste so good? I continue eating it s if it was the normal thing to do, I'm almost finished when the phone rings "I'll get it" Mum said and went to go answer the phone, it was a very shirt call and then she'd burst into the kitchen "Jase, your appointment has been moved to nine am" mum said with a panicked tone, I look up at the clock and realize that it is in fact half past eight and I look back at mum "We could cancel it for another day" I say in hopes of getting out of this, but I seriously doubted it would be that easy "Jason Roscoe, you are going and that is that" Mum said sternly, so I get up out of my seat and rush upstairs and get dressed in a black t shirt, light denim jeans and a mahogany hoodie and slip my grey trainers on and rush back downstairs and leave the house with mum and Joe.

Once we are at the place we enter and sit in the waiting room, my stomach is doing somersaults and then it dawned on me; I ate breakfast, that food is sitting in my stomach as we speak, I try my hardest not to wretch at the thought then Joe turns his head "are you alright Jase" he asked me with such a pleasant tone, I just nod as I'm too afraid to open my mouth in case i vomit. This man then walks out, he only looks young, about early twenties or something like that, he has dark raven hair and piercing blue eyes "Jason Roscoe" he said in a deep and intensely silky voice, his voice sounding as though it could move mountains, I involuntarily stand up and walk towards him "Good look" Both mum and Joe say as I enter the room with this dark haired male.

Once we have entered he goes over to his chair and sits down, it has only just dawned on me by looking into this room, am I in his house? "please, sit down" I hear the mans silky deep voice say to me and brake my chain of thoughts, I sit down on the sofa opposite him "relax" he says to me, I look down at my body and I can see that I look awkward and I'm sitting forwards with my legs pressed together tightly and both my hands held into fists and tightly being pushed slightly between my legs, I sit back now and relax my position "My name is Doctor Wilde. And I'm told you are Jason Roscoe am I correct" Doctor Wilde's deep silky voice said, I nodded "So Jason, tell me a little about yourself" He had said looking interested in me "uhm well you know my name and stuff" I stutter, why am I so nervous?

"Yes, I know that, and I know I was told it was some kind of eating disorder? is my information correct" he asked me, I look down and nod "yes that's okay, I deal with these kind of situations often" He said with satisfaction "I bet not with lads" I say almost silently "Yes, I do deal with males with eating disorder, it's quite common, it's just most men are a shamed and most people don't go saying anything about males with eating disorders, the public only post about females, wrong if you ask me" Doctor Wilde said to me. Really? I thought I was weird.

"So lets cut to he chase then, if you don't want to tell me about yourself" Doctor Wilde said smiled with a slight laugh "So, how do you view yourself" He asked me, why did he have to ask the most horrible question to ever exist? "pathetic" I tell him honestly "Pathetic? and what about you weight" he asked "fat" I say honestly again "How would you like you body to look" He asked again "like my brothers, they all look amazing and muscular, but no matter what I do I always look fat, no matter how many times I work out my muscle wont look like that" I say honestly again, I have no idea why I am being so truthful to this complete stranger "ah I see, a lot of men in your position would feel the same, you're actually kind of quite normal, you feel pressure of not looking as good as your brothers, which by the way how many do you have" He asked me with a smile "three" I reply "Okay then three bothers, older or younger" He asked me again "Older, and I have a twin, which I'm also the youngest twin" Oh right okay then, so with having four older brothers you self image will take a lot of damage, especially if you think your brothers all look amazing. What I am going to do in this session is help you see things in another way as to help you understand that even if your brothers are more muscular then you, you can still look amazing" Doctor Wilde said nicely and smiled at me brightly, he showed me his beautiful white teeth that are amazingly straight.

I had been in this session for an hour now as Doctor Wilde had just told me it was the end of our session and I knew it was only an hour slot "Right, is you ever need me here's my number" He said and handed me a piece of paper "and see you same time next week? or do you want a later slot" He asked me kindly "Is twelve pm alright for you" I ask him curiously "Yes yes that's fine" he said and smiled, I stood up and went towards the door, he followed me and shook my hand "good bye Jason" he said and hugged me, I felt myself heat up and feel embarrassed "see you Doctor Wilde" I said back giving him a small hug "please call me Dean" he said and I felt him smile "okay then, see you Dean" I said and we broke the hug apart and I left the room.

Once I leave the room I see Mum and Joe still sitting in the waiting area "Is it hot or something in there Jase, you're as red as a beetroot" Joe said and stood up, mum stood up with him "uhm..uh..yeah, very" I stutter, Joe looks at me suspiciously and shrugs "well you ready to go home" He asked me and I nodded. We left Dean's place; all the thoughts about my breakfast had faded as soon as he had spoke to me, I hadn't gave it a second thought until I was in the car on the way back while Mum and Joe was asking me all about it, I barely told them anything as I didn't want them to know inside of my head, I also didn't want to tell them about my hug with Dean either, so I kept quiet about it, once I had told Joe to keep his nose out my business Mum backed me up and he left me alone, I spent the rest of the drive thinking about my encounter with Doctor Dean Wilde.

 _ **Authors Note: I know I said I would update on Friday(I think) I just didn't get around to it sorry :( buuut the new chapter is up and I hope you all enjoy it, reviews are very welcome, I love seeing reviews whether they are good or bad(haven't actually had a bad one though :P) Oh and Doctor Dean Wilde is my OC and will make quite a few more appearances :) anyway thanks for reading :) xx**_


	20. Am I?

Once we had stopped at home Mum opened the door to let me and Joe in, she closed it behind us and as soon as she did Robbie, Ziggy and Freddie came bouncing out of the living "Jase how did it go" asked Ziggy "yeah Jase, come on, share" Robbie added "Yeah" Freddie agreed "Don't get your hopes up you lot, Jason wouldn't even tell us" Mum told my three brothers "alright, lets sit down and I'll tell you all a bit" I give into my family, otherwise they will never leave me alone, they all look excited and all swarm into the living room, I follow behind and when I get in they are all sitting on the sofa like they are waiting for the most exciting news they have ever heard, I sit on the armchair and look at them all.

"I'll start with his name; Doctor Dean Wilde" I say and look at my family, Joe looked at me strange "first name basis already" he asked me in confusion "yeah, why not" I ask just as equally confused "I dunno, I just guess they usually keep it to doctor something, not first names. Anyway go on" Joe replied and then smiled brightly "Oh right anyway, once I got in he told me to sit down so I sat down and he asked me to tell him about myself and stuff like that, then he told me to talk about my feelings, which I am not going to tell you lot of course, and once the hour was over that's when he told me to call him by his first name and" I took a pause and looked at everyone and then took a deep breath "he hugged me" I finished feeling myself getting hot again, why does this happen whenever I think of that moment.

"He hugged you?" Robbie said, if I was hearing right it had shock and slight disgust laced in his words "yeah" I replied shyly "Jase, are you blushing" Ziggy said teasingly "no!" I snap back feeling even more embarrassed, If we was in a cartoon Joe would of had a light bulb above his head by looking at his face, it looked like he had just thought of something completely logical "Hang on a minute, you was flushed when you left his office place, it wasn't hot in there was it, you was flushing from the hug" Joe said teasingly "No! why would you think that" I snap back trying to make it seem like he was talking nonsense. it was hard as what Joe said was true, I was in fact flushing over Doctor Dean Wilde and his beautiful hug and his nice smelling cologne "aww Jase has got a boyfriend, Jase has got a boyfriend" Freddie teased, I have had enough, I'm about to snap back when "leave it you lot, Jason's got a girlfriend remember" Mum tells my brothers.

"Never stopped anyone else has it? you never know, Holly might just be him trying to cover the fact he's a puff" Robbie said mockingly "Just leave it alright" I snap at everyone feeling ten times more embarrassed and storm out the living room and up the stairs into my bedroom and slump on my bed on my belly. Was they right, do I in fact like Doctor Dean Wilde. I shake my head "no" I say audibly I'm not gay in the slightest, I love Holly, and I want to be with her all my life, but when I started to think of happiness Doctor Dean Wilde's face came into my head, him speaking to me in his deep and silky voice, and he's hugging me and telling me everything is okay and that aslong as he is here I'm safe.

My thoughts are broken when Robbie comes up and sits on my bed "What do you want" I snap at him slit slightly angry from what he said "Jase, it's alright you know" Robbie said and rubbed my shoulder "what's alright" I ask him in confusion "you know, if you are gay" He said, why did everyone presume I'm gay because I got a little bit flushed from hugging Doctor dean Wilde? "I'm not" I say but I thinks it's in an unconvincing way as to be honest I'm not completely sure right now myself, my emotions are all over the place; a complete mess if you please. Robbie rubs me on the shoulder "It's fine honestly, just if you need to talk, or come out to someone or anything like that I'm here alright" Robbie said and hugged me "I need to get back downstairs anyway, Ziggy opened some Chili Heatwave Doritos and I need to eat some before he finishes the whole4 pack, come down when you feel ready" Robbie said kindly and kissed me on the head; what is into him lately, he's really nice and he keeps hugging me and he just kissed me on the head? whatever it is I actually really like it, and went back downstairs to pinch Ziggy's Doritos.

My phone begins ringing, I look to see who is calling and it is Holly, I accept the call and bring the phone to my ear "Jase, how did it go, you are finished with the therapist right" Holly said over the phone "yeah, it went fine" I say back to her "do you wanna talk about it" She asked me through the phone" Not today Hol, my family has already been bothering me for the details, I'll tell you what, meet me at the folly tomorrow and we'll talk about it" I try and reason with her "yeah sure sounds good, what time" She replies with a question "lets say three in the afternoon" I ask her "Yeah, sounds good" She replies "alright then see you tomorrow Hol" I say to her "see you tomorrow Jase" Holly replies and gives me virtual kisses and puts the phone down. I put my phone down on the floor and sit up, untie my shoes and kick then off, I lie back down and begin to think about how my next encounter is going to be with Doctor Den Wilde

 _ **Authors Note: This chapter is a bit short I know but I didn't have anything else to put in the chapter, wanted it all in next chapter :) Both stories of mine should be updated on Monday so thank you for reading. xx**_


	21. Pain

I wish that this week would go by quicker, I wanted it to be Sunday again, that way I would be able to see Doctor Dean Wilde again, I don't know what it is about him but ever since I saw him I can't stop thinking about him. But today is only Friday, only two more days left to wait now.

It's nearly time for tea, Mum has made us all pizza and fries, I've eaten a few bits in this past week but most of what I do eat i throw back up anyway. "boys, teas ready" Mum calls to us all, we all make our way to the kitchen and sit down, Dad's the last one to enter the kitchen and sit down, since he found out about my eating he has barely spoke to me, and whenever he did speak to me it was always something rude, or making me out to be an attention seeking little girl, it wasn't nice and it did hurt me more then I let on, I had once told Robbie that is was funny just to get him off my case.

Mum walks in and dishes out all of our teas, mum has been making my meals smaller so I will eat more of it, Dad keeps telling her to give me normal portions, she is right to give me smaller portions so everyone else can have what I don't have, I never finish my plate even though Mum gives me small portions, even though I could eat it I choose not to, most of the time I throw my food up anyway so what;s even the point of finishing it?

I look down at my plate and begin to think of how fatty the pizza is, maybe the fries are too, I have no idea how she cooked them so whoever knows, I just sit here staring at my plate, I can see that everyone has started to dig into their food "Oh for goodness sake Jason, eat" Dad snapped at me breaking me out of my thoughts "Rick!" Mum shouts at Dad "He needs to eat Sandy" Dad said "In his own time, he's ill, it's not his fault" Mum told Dad "He's not ill, he's a fag" Dad said, I feel as though someone had just stabbed me, the pain of those words hit me hard, I inhale quickly trying to surpass these tears that are threatening to fall out of my eyes "Rick, that's enough. He has an eating disorder, that's not a choice for goodness sake, he's your son, if this doesn't pack it in I'm going to have to ask you to pack your bags and leave" Mum shouts angrily at Dad.

I couldn't hide it anymore, tears spill down my face and I let out a small sob, I soon realize that it was quite loud, I take a peek up and they all look sorrowful at me, I get up and shout "leave me alone" and storm to my bedroom and shut the door behind me and I throw myself onto the bed and I begin to sob uncontrollably, what did I ever do to deserve this? I guess I am pathetic, and I can't stop thinking about a guy when I have a beautiful girl who loves me, what sort of man am I?

Ages pass and my family had obviously decided I needed to be alone and they did in fact leave me alone when I had asked, I hear Freddie shout "Jase, me Joe and Zig are going out for a drink, wanna come" why wasn't Robbie there? if Robbie would of been asked I'm sure he would of said yes "No" I croakily shout back to him as I haven't had a drink in ages and I've been crying "Alright then see ya" Freddie shouted back to me "See ya" I shout back and a moment after I hear the front door shut.

I need to get up for a drink, I'm super thirsty, I get up out of bed and walk over to the door, I open it and close it behind me, I make my way down the stairs and I walk past the living room and take a peak inside; no one is there, I move over and walk into the kitchen and enter; no ones there either. I think to myself if Joe, Freddie and Ziggy have gone out drinking, where was Robbie, Mum and Dad? I don't pay too much attention and go and find me a glass and walk over to the cold tap and fill the glass with cold water and go and sit at the table, a few minutes go by where I am sitting in absolute silence until I here the stairs, I anticipate who is going to come down, will it be Robbie? or Will it be Mum? or will it be Dad?

The kitchen door swings open and Dad's menacing stare is watching me "Finally finished your strop?" dad said moodily at me "I wasn't stropping" I tell him "yeah right" he said in disbelief "Your teas in the oven" he told me and walked over to the oven and opened it revealing the plate of food I had failed to eat "alright" I say to him knowing I am not going to eat it. Dad picks the plate out of the oven and shoves it forcefully onto the table in front of me "eat it" he said to me "I'm not hungry" I reply lying "yes you are, so just eat it. It will be easier this way" Dad said menacingly "where mum?" I ask him "asleep, she had a head ache so she took some pills and the she went to bed, why?" He asked me "just wondering" I say and stand up and go to leave the kitchen "where do you think you're going" Dad said and stood in front of me "my room" I reply "no you are not" He replied "why can't I" I ask getting really pissed off with all his rudeness "Because I said so. You need to eat that food, you're not leaving this table until that plate is clear, do you understand me" Dad said with anger deeply rooted in his voice, I look at him with bewilderment and say "no, you can't make m-" before I could finished my words his hand came out and smacked me around the jaw, I hear it crack with the pressure.

I gasp and groan with pain and I grip my jaw "No do what I say" Dad said and grabbed me by the ear and made me sit down "Now eat" dad demanded, I feel frightened right now but yet I can't help myself from telling the truth "I can't eat that" I say honestly and slightly strange as I'm still holding my jaw "Why can't you" Dad said "I'll be sick" I said honestly again "You will eat that plate of food and you will keep it down because you're my son, and I am not having a attention seeking fag as a child, do I make myself clear" He bellowed, I nod reluctantly as fear is overriding my actions "good now open up" He said and picked up five fries and held them next to my mouth, I don't open my mouth, I don't want to eat them.

"Jason, eat this right now" Dad shouted angrily, I'm shaking ferociously now and reluctantly begin to open my mouth slowly "Faster" He said and slapped me in the face with his spare hand, this makes me jump and close my mouth, before I get chance to reopen it I feel dad's other hand grab me around the face and force my mouth open, he shoves the fries into my mouth "Now chew" he demands, reluctantly I slowly begin to chew, I gag and accidentally spit the half chewed up fries out "That's it" Dad said and hit me around the face with the palm of his hand knocking me onto the floor "dad please" I beg him, I don't want him to hurt me "don't be such a pathetic piece of shit" Dad replied and kicked me in the stomach, I curled up through the pain while slightly chocking and gasping for air "Not a word of this to anyone otherwise this will only get worse you hear me" Dad said menacingly, all I can do is nod "good" he said and kicked me twice in the back and left.

I lie here on the floor a moment while coughing I hear the front door open and here somebody come in, I struggle but I get up onto my knees and peak out of the kitchen door; It's Robbie. Should I tell him what just happened? no, I don't want this to be any worse, luckily for me Robbie goes into the living room so it gives me time to sneak out and up the stairs, so I crawl to the bottom of the stairs as I can't stand up right now and begin to climb up the stairs, once I'm nearly at the top "Is somebody there" I hear Robbie shout and hear his foot steps grow closer, I pick up the speed and crawl to my bedroom, luckily Robbie hadn't found I climb weakly into bed and wrap myself in my quilt, I can't stop myself from crying. Why would Dad do that? doesn't he love me? or does he just see me as his pathetic weak son who he's ashamed of? I cry for hours until I finally fall asleep, hoping this was all just a horrible dream.

 _ **Author Note: This chapter has got abuse in it and offensive language(a little) so sorry if some of you didn't like it. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this story as it has in fact reached over 1000 views :D thank you all so so much for all the love and support and all of your reviews. Thanks for reading :) xx**_


	22. Painful Morning

I stir out of my sleep slightly, I think about that horrible dream I had in the night about Dad making me eat and then beating me up and about how Robbie nearly caught me in agony crawling my way weakly up the stairs. I open my eyes gently, I already feel a lot of pain in my body, maybe I was just thinking about the pain in my dream too much as it felt just the same, I begin to yawn; my jaw cracks and I feel the agonizing pain rush through my jaw; It wasn't a dream after all, that had actually happened.

I hear movement from the bunk above me, soon enough I see Robbie's head peak over to look at me "what was that crack Jase" Robbie asked me in confusion, I stare back up at him "Bloomin hell Jase what happened to ya" Robbie said in concern, I feel the place on my face where Dad had hit me last night and feel a lump, it also feels really bruised "it's nothing" I say trying to keep my mouth as closed as possible as not to hurt my jaw "then why're you talking funny" Robbie added "like I-" I cut off as my jaw cracks again and I quickly grab it through the pain.

"Jase!" Robbie exclaimed and rushed down the ladder and came in front of me "what happened mate, wasn't you in the house the whole time? that's what Dad said to me last night, he said that you came down to try and eat your tea after your 'strop' and he came down for a drink of water as well and then you threw a wobbly and got your food everywhere and stropped back off up stairs" Robbie informed me. The lying bastard, why would he say that, why not tell the truth?

"Get out my face" I say to Robbie trying to keep my mouth as closed as even possible "Alright keep your knickers on. I'll go get Mum" Robbie said and left before I even had time to protest, I didn't want anyone finding out how weak I was last night, why would I want anyone knowing that my own Dad was so ashamed of me and that I couldn't even stand up to him.

Soon enough Robbie came in with Mum "whats up love" Mum said to me kindly, she looked horrified as she looked at my face "what happened to you" She asked in concern, I chose not to answer her as I tried to sit up, there was sharp pains stabbing me in the back and stomach, I keel over and wince in pain "Jason!" Mum exclaimed and ran and sat next to me bringing her arm around me "Who did this to you" Mum asked, I was about to tell her when I remembered that Dad said things would get worse if I told anyone so I kept my mouth shut.

"If you don't want to tell me that is absolutely fine love, I don't want to push you" Mum said kindly and rubbed my arm, I try and get up, I hobble slightly and gain my feet almost firmly on the ground, I can't stand up straight so I just hang in half, both Mum and Robbie are looking at me sorrowfully, I slowly make my way to the bathroom hobbling, not being able to walk properly, I open the door and close it behind me.

I walk over to the mirror and pull my shirt up; there is a huge purple bruise in the shape of my Dad's foot imprinted onto my stomach, I turn slightly to see the two other large foot shaped purple bruises on my back, before I have time to cover myself the bathroom door flings open "oh, sorry didn't know someone was in-" Joe's voice said and paused, I quickly pull my shirt down and turn around "Jase what happened to you mate" Joe said with concern laced in his voice, he came over and swept me into a hug.

I say nothing but tears slowly fall down my face "aw Jase" Joe said kindly and rubbed my back very gently, I winced at this, I could feel he was going as he could do, but I think even a feather tickling these bruises would hurt me. "Who did this to you" Joe asked me, yet again I didn't want to answer so I just cuddled into him tighter "It's alright Jase, no pressure alright" Joe said and I knew he had smiled as I felt his cheek move as his face was against my head.

The hug had ended as Joe just said "mind if I use the loo first, about to piss myself" He said with a slight chuckle, and moved so he stood next to me, I nod and leave the room and shut the door behind me leaving Joe in his privacy.

I hobble towards the stairs, I grip a hold of the banister for deer life and begin to hobble down the stairs very slowly, after a few steps I almost fall but that is when Robbie comes behind me and catches me before I indeed do fall "thanks" I mutter quietly as I can barely speak "no problem" Robbie said as he helped me down stairs, and he steered me into the kitchen.

When we had entered the kitchen I saw Dad sitting at then kitchen table, I gasp and take a step back "whats the matter Jase" Robbie asked me, at this Dad looked up "Morning Jason" Dad had said while smirking "I wanna go back to bed" I whisper to Robbie and begin to move backwards but Robbie stops me "Why? what's up? you need your breakfast. Come on" Robbie asked and ushered me forwards "please Robbie" I plead pathetically to Robbie, I could see that he saw how upset I was "oh alright, I'll bring breakfast to you in bed alright" He said and began to help me move up the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs I could see Mum was talking to someone on the phone, I didn't know who it was but I heard her telling the person to come around today, as soon as possible.

It didn't take nearly as long as I'd expected for Robbie to help me up the stairs as I thought it would then he helped me over to our room and helped me sit down "why aren't you in your pajamas anyway" Robbie asked, I look down at myself and realize that it was true, over everything that had happened last night I didn't change into pajamas "Here, I'll get them out and when I go downstairs for my breakfast in a sec you can change. Once I've done my breakfast I'll bring yours up alright?" Robbie said, I just nod at him.

"Okay" he said, It sounded more like to himself then to me, he went over to my set of draws and found out my pajamas and a pair of underwear and put them on my bed "Will be back up in a bit, will you be alright on your own?" Robbie asked, I nod at him "Alright then, see you in a roly mo" He said and smiled at me, he then left the room leaving me alone.

I pull myself up to stand up, I removed my t shirt first, then I remove both my jeans and underwear. I pull the clean pair of underwear off the top of the pile of clothes Robbie had just put out for me and pull them on covering at least a small part of my nudity, I then pull my checked pajama bottoms on with a struggle; nearly falling over three times, I then pull my new clean t shirt over my head and push my arms through and pull it down properly. I kick my dirty clothes to one side and sit back down on my bed, I pull my legs into my bed and slowly lie down and rest my head on my pillow, I pull my quilt up and cover my pathetic, weak, disgusting and bruised body, I close my eyes and try to think that this had never happened and go into a happy place; yet again that happy place included Doctor Dean Wilde.

 _ **Authors Note: thank you everybody for all the love and support, I have reached 60 reviews on this story, I cannot tell you all how happy I am :) Hope this chapter was okay for you all and that you all enjoyed it. Thank you all for reading :) xx**_


	23. Ready Steady Cook

I wake up from my sleep the very next morning, some of my pain had stopped hurting me as much, I yawn very carefully as to not crack my aching jaw again, but as I look across and off the edge of my bed Robbie is sitting there on the floor with his back to me doing something, and I'm guessing I'm not supposed to know as he is turned away from me "Rob" I groan sleepily, Robbie almost reached the ceiling from how far he'd jumped, he had obviously been doing something I shouldn't know as I scared him so much and he quickly began to hide what he was doing "What's up Jase, had a good sleep" Robbie said sounding like he was trying his hardest to sound as casual as humanly possible.

"Yeah. What are you doing" I answer him and ask a question of my very own "You know a bit of this and a bit of that" He said suspiciously "Can I see" I ask my twin brother "Nah mate, not now at least, later alright" Robbie said in his usual cheeky tone, I nod in agreement as I do not want to argue with him this morning. I sit up and pull my covers off of me and sit at the edge of my bed, I rub my eyes removing any of the sleep that had collected in the night, I carefully stand up as to not hurt anything, the worst thing I could think of was not escaping my personal hell and getting to see Doctor Dean Wilde.

I walk to the door "going down stairs" I say "alright, I'll be down in a bit" Robbie said and took his attention back to whatever it was he was doing this early in the morning. I leave the room and shut the door two behind me I decide to take a piss before I go downstairs so I head over to the bathroom, I knock gently on the door "Is anyone in there" I call, I get no reply so I open the door, step in and close the door behind me. I head over to the toilet and lift the loo seat up, I pull my dick out of my bottoms and take a piss. I put the lids back and flush the toilet chain, I then proceed to the sink to wash my hands in hot water as it was a very cold morning. Once I have finished I find the clean towel and dry my hands, I then o over to the door, open it and leave closing the door behind me.

I head down the stairs very gently then I am greeted by mum at the bottom of the stairs "How are you feeling love" Mum asked me with concern "Fine. Just was gonna go watch telly" I reply to her "Do you want some breakfast? I'll make anything you want" Mum said with a smile. The truth is I do not want breakfast as it's going to make me disgusting and pathetic, but my body is yearning for food, right now I could eat a full english with all the trimmings but I now that it wouldn't go down too well so I just settle for "fruit cocktail please" I ask mum "With squirty cream" She asked me as I usually always have it with squirty cream, even though it sounds amazing I simply say "No thank you" mum looked slightly confused of me refusing cream but quickly said "okay love, you go watch telly I'll bring it too you" and smiled and left for the kitchen.

I walk into the living room and Ziggy was already sitting on the sofa so I go over and sit next to him "You alright mate" Ziggy asked in his usual quirky tone, I'm tired of people asking that, do I look okay to you? instead of telling him that I simply say "Fine" Ziggy pulled his arm around me and snuggled me close, he picked up the remote and gave it to me "Go on, put anything you like on, my treat" He said and rubbed my shoulder. This was strange, Ziggy never gave anyone the remote, he would always have to choose what was on telly, The only two things Ziggy would never let go of it was the tv remote and his mirror "You sure" I ask for confirmation "yeah go on" Ziggy replied with a smile.

I begin flicking through the channels to see what was on, and I see that ready steady cook is on and immediately turn it over and put the guide down and put the remote onto the sofa "Awwe yeah, I love this show me" Ziggy said excitedly, it was true though not one of us Roscoe's disliked ready steady cook, we believe it was mums obsession to it when we was younger that made us all like it, or maybe it was just in our genes. Just then dad walks into the room "isn't there anything else on, this show is shit" Dad said and sat down, I hold Ziggy tightly and I notice Ziggy look at me strange, could he sense that I'm scared? "it's what Jase put on, and besides ready steady cook is a must for this house, it looks like you're the only one complaining" Ziggy told my dad.

With that dad huffs and Joe walks in the room in his dressing gown "Aw ready steady cook" He said sounding rather happy, he runs and jumps on the sofa, I hear mum in the kitchen talking to Freddie "Freddie go sit in there, we're having breakfast in front of the telly" Mum tells Freddie "Alright, whats he breakfast" He asked mum "Fruit cocktail now hurry along, and tell Robbie to hurry up, it's not going to take him all day to make that thing" Mum finished and Freddie obviously leaves the kitchen as I hear him shout "C'mon Robbie, breakfast" up the stairs to Robbie's location, Freddie comes and joins us in the living just as excited as both Ziggy and Joe about ready steady cook. I hear Noises coming from upstairs then I hear Robbie come down the stairs and then he enters the living room "Ready steady cook? cool" Robbie said and sat right next to me.

Shortly afterwards mum comes in and delivers everyone their bowl of fruit cocktail and sits down "What's this" Dad grunts "Breakfast" Mum replies "is this some sort of a joke" dad adds "No, just eat the breakfast" Mum said "why don't I get a new breakfast and Jason can eat this"Dad said "Don't be ridiculous Rick, just eat your breakfast, we're going to have a sunday dinner in a few hours" Mum told dad. Dad grunts and eats the fruit cocktail anyway, everyone else finished there bowl but me, I leave two pieces of fruit, that way if I leave a little then I'll know I haven't eaten too much and that I'm still in control, mum gets up and goes around asking if everyone's finished, and if they have she collected there bowls, then she came round to me "Are you finished love" She asked and looked into my bowl "Yeah" I reply "Okay then" She said and removed my bowl from me and went into the kitchen to do the washing up.

Once she had finished she came back into the living room to finish watching the end of ready steady cook. "I'm gonna go and get ready" I say and stand up "Ready for what love" Mum asked me, how could she forget about my appointment? "my appointment" I say dumbfounded "You still want to go today, even though you are in all of that pain"Mum asked me in slight confusion "Yeah" I reply like that was the most obvious answer "okay then love, you go and get ready and I'll drive you there" Mum said and smiled at me "Okay" I reply and make my way up the stairs and get myself ready.

Once I have finished getting myself ready I walk back down the stairs and back into the living room, mum smiles at me "That was quick" She said, I begin to feel slightly embarrassed as I thing my eagerness to see Doctor Dean Wilde again may have made me move to fast "just want to get this over with" I say coolly trying not to sound like I enjoyed going last time "okay then" Mum said and got up "Anyone want to come with us" She asked looking at everyone and everyone was quiet "I take that as a no then. Okay then see you boys later" Mum said and headed for the door, we all said goodbye to each other and me and mum left the house and got into her car and began to drive so I could see Doctor Dean Wilde.

 ** _Authors Note: Hello my lovelies, sorry it has been too long, I wanted a christmas break and stuff and then, as I told some of you, that I was going to upload this chapter on monday(which was yesterday) but on the sunday before, my cat spilled my cup of coffee over my laptop and it has been for repairs, its okay now though, luckily I didn't have to get a new one thankfully :) Anywho enough babbling and I hope everyone has had a wonderful christmas and a happy new year! Thanks for reading, and I love all you guys :) xx_**


	24. Alive

The car finally stops and me and mum are here, just in time for my appointment to see Doctor Dean Wilde "come on then love, lets get inside" Mum said and guided me into the building, me and mum move over to the chairs outside his office and sit down and wait. It was almost five whole minutes before he came out "Jason Roscoe" His intense silky deep voice spoke "Go on love" Mum said and shoved my arm lightly. I stand up and move towards him and we both walk into his office.

"Come in and get comfortable; anywhere you like" He said kindly and moved his arm round as he said 'anywhere you like'. He went over to his chair and sat down, I choose to sit on the sofa in front of his seat, yet again I sit awkwardly thinking of the fact that I still had this mornings breakfast sitting in my stomach, the only reassuring thing is the fact that it is only fruit, last time it had been pancakes. "So Jason, how are you feeling today?" He asked me kindly in his deep silky voice and tucked his dark raven hair; that just about caressed his ear lobe, behind his ear and shifted so he was leaning on the palm of his right hand "Fine" I say slightly abrupt as I was still thinking about breakfast and in awe of him tucking his hair that I didn't want him to no of either.

"Okay then, how's your eating" he asked me, why did he have to ask that, I have the compelling urge to tell the truth around "okay-ish" I spurt without changing it to what I wanted to say "Okay-ish? okay then what did you eat for breakfast?" he asked me with a smile "Fruit cocktail" I answer him honestly "With cream? or without? personally I only like my fruit cocktail with cream, I will eat it without but it's so much better when you have lashings of squirty cream" he said and chuckled "Sorry I went of a little then didn't I" he said smiling and chuckled again "so with or without" he asked me again, I think he was just making sure I remembered the question through all of the rambling he did, I did remember the question anyway "without. I do usually like it with cream" I tell him honestly "Why didn't you have any cream this morning Jason?" he asked me kindly.

I think for a moment thinking of all different ways as not to tell him the fact I tried to think of the least fattening breakfast I could think of and by putting squirty cream on it would make me want to vomit more then just by eating a few pieces of fruit, all these thoughts swirl around in my head then I involuntarily say "I didn't want to take all those calories" did I really just tell him that? what is it about him that makes me want to tell him the whole truth? "I had already guessed that if I'm being perfectly honest with you, I just wanted to hear you say it and confirm my thoughts" His deep silky voice was laced with kindness and concern; why did he sound so concerned about me?

I tuck my knees up to my chin and wrap both of my arms around them, squeezing them tightly "Are you feeling embarrassed? nervous? anxious?" his deep voice spoke very calmly, I hid my head into my knees fighting the urge to cry. I hear footsteps grow closer to me and I feel the couch dunk besides me the I feel warm arms wrap themselves around me into a tight, warm and nice smelling hug "It's okay, you can talk to me about anything remember" he said very kindly, I replaced my arms from hugging my own knees to hugging Doctor Dean Wilde. He rubs my shoulder gently "why do I feel like this" I spurt out without even realizing it before it was to late to take it back, a single tear falls out and caresses my cheek the whole way down until it falls off my face hitting Doctor Dean Wilde's jumper.

"because your head is poisoning you against yourself, this is possible one of the hardest mental illnesses you can ever go though, am I correct in thinking that it isn't just an issue with food? am I right in suspecting that it is with your whole self?" His deep voice sounded calm, how on earth did he know that? maybe he can just see how pathetic I really am. I feel a few more tears fall from my eyes and roll down my face. I nod in answer to his question "I figured from what you told me last time. Jason, are you crying" He asked concerned, I try and dry my tears discretely but it doesn't work, he pulls my face up to look at me, he wiped my eyes and then kissed them "No need to cry, everything will be okay" He told me consolingly, I cant help not being able to believe him, when would this be okay, I'm weak, disgusting and pathetic, even my own dad knows it, otherwise why would he have beat me, I don't see him do that to Robbie.

I finally open my eyes to look at him, his piercing blue eyes staring into my own hazel ones, his eyes was filled with concern and something else, that something I couldn't quite put my finger on "what am I doing" he told himself "what, do you mean" I ask him in confusion "this is only my second time seeing you and I already feel attached to you somehow, I have never felt this attached to one of my clients before" He told me honestly in his deep silky voice, I blush slightly at his words, why would he even feel attached to me?

I open my mouth to say something but I can't; I'm too speechless. He quickly moved away from me and shuffled away slightly "I am deeply sorry, I'm sure I made you uncomfortable then, I didn't mean to push myself upon you, my apologies" He said in a deep regretful tone, I finally find the words to speak "no, I wasn't uncomfortable, I was the polar opposite" I tell him honestly "are you sure" he asked me confirmation "yeah" I tell him, he moved back closer to me, almost face to face "How would you feel if I did this" He leaned forward and pressed him lips against mine, my heart begins racing; I have never felt more alive.

 _ **Author's note: Just thought to let you all know that why Jason still refers Dean to his full name is it's only is second encounter with him, how I was taught was that that was the respectful way to address someone until you know them properly :) anywho, hope you enjoyed this chapter :) xx**_


	25. Fear

It had been one whole week since the last time I was at Doctor Dean Wilde's and I had never been happier; I shouldn't be really but I just couldn't help myself, the feelings I felt when he kissed me was immense, I never thought of myself as being bisexual heck I only ever thought of myself straight, I mean my brothers would take the mickey if they knew I was having feelings for a guy, I know I have Holly but you can still have feelings for someone else if you are already with someone right?

After I got back from Doctor Dean Wilde's I noticed that my dad wasn't there so I asked Joe where he was and he told me he had to go away for a week and wouldn't say where, I felt so relieved as then I knew he wouldn't hurt me again, at least for a week anyway. Robbie looked rather annoyed as Joe told me about dad, god only knows whats got into him. I still have no idea of what Robbie was doing that morning and if I ever will know for that fact, Robbie is always doing secretive things and hiding them from the rest of us so this is nothing new to me.

I finally sit up out of bed after lying there for probably about an hour, whoever knows how long, I was so deep in thought I lost all track of time, I slip my slippers on as I stand up and I pick up my dressing gown and throw it on and loosely tie the tie, I look up to see if Robbie is there: which he is not, and I wonder where he had gone, maybe he got up before me as we went to bed together after watching Avengers Assemble. I shrug this of and head to the bathroom, I lightly knock to see if anybody is in there, there is no reply so I enter.

Once I enter the bathroom I walk over to the sink and look at myself: "I look like shit, like always then" I mutter to myself, without me knowing I look at the place the scales are to go and see how much I weigh: wait where are they? I try looking allover the bathroom trying to find the scales, I even look in cupboards where I know that it definitely wont fit, I rush to the bathroom door without thinking and quickly make my way down stairs; everyone is sitting in the living room, including my dad, I don't even compose myself before entering the room "Mum where the scales?" I say in a panicked voice, if I don't have the scales how will I ever know hot fat I am?

"Oh that, I moved them, I thought it would help with your progress" Mum said calmly. My progress? I'm not ill, I'm fine "Mum this will not help me, I need them" I say desperately "Oh here he goes again, another one of his girly strops 'oh I'm too fat' 'oh I'm so pathetic look at me' despicable fag" Dad mutters, no one seems to hear him but me, or if they did they chose to ignore him because they probably think that he's right "you don't need them Jason, I looked up online that a lot of these teenage eating phases are caused by excessive use of scales, so if you don't see how much you weigh it shouldn't bother you" Mum said calmly. She was looking up online? "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND" I shout and storm of up stairs and into mine and Robbie's bedroom.

I shut and lock the door behind me and storm over to my bed, I hear some heavy footsteps coming up the stairs: why wont they just leave me alone? The door knocks "Jason, it's you dad, open up this instant" Dads voice booms from the other side of the door. What should I do? I don't want to let him but if I don't will he hurt me again? "Jason, I'm going to count to three, and if I reach three I'm breaking the door down, I am not having any of your shit, not today, or not any other day do you hear me" Dad scolded through the door. I'm gonna have to let him in aren't I. "One.." I begin to sweat, as I move slowly towards the door "Two.." I quickly unlock the door and open it a crack "That's it" Dad said and pushed the door open abruptly knocking me to the floor.

I hit the floor with a thump and the pain freezes me for a few seconds, enough time for dad to kick me in the stomach, I instantly curl up through the pain; why does he hurt me?. Dad shuts and locks the door, I look up at him and realize something: he is holding a bucket? "Right Jason, if we're going to do this you will have to obey me" Dad commanded, what position was I in to disobey him anyway?.

"Right then you little fag, what do you like to do once you have eaten, answer me honestly or i'll kick you harder next time" Dad voice sounds mocking, what is he doing? and what is he doing with a bucket? I figure it's best to answer "I'd rather not eat" My voice sounds strained through the sheer pain in my stomach "No you stupid boy, don't try and be smart to me, where do you go and what do you do once you have finished eating" Dad said with a harsher tone "Bathroom" I sputter "and.." "vomit" I reply weakly "Exactly, now as you love it so much that's what we are going to do" Dad told me and put the bucket down in front of me "dad, what are you.." before I have chance to finish dad pulls me up "now kneel" dad commands, I kneel as I am told, I do not want him to kick me again.

"Now you will open you mouth wide and lean over the bucket" Dad commanded harshly, what is he planning to do to me? I comply and lean over the bucket and open my mouth as wide as I can "Good" dad said and knelt down in front of me "look at me then" he told me, and I look at him, before he said anything else he moves his hand swiftly up and puts his main two fingers straight down my throat, I gasp through shock and take his fingers down even further, I retch, but yet I don't vomit "oh your body is used to this is it, maybe I'll go deeper" Dad said shoved his fingers as far down my throat as he possibly could, I begin to retch uncontrollably and vomit the lining of my stomach up, I had barely eaten yesterday and what I had done was vomited straight back up, my stomach now hurts even more and my throat is burning.

"Oh look, it looks like you had nothing in your stomach to throw up, never mind" He said and abruptly pulled his fingers out which made me retch again "you're so pathetic Jason, I'm ashamed to call you my son" Dad said coldly. My eyes begin to well up, how could he say this, I'm his son "Oh look at you, you gonna cry like a baby? like the pathetic baby girl you are. Grow up Jason, be more like your brothers, they're not pathetic fags like you" dad said venomously and grabbed the bucket and unlocked the door "I can't even bare to look at you" he said before leaving.

I begin to sob uncontrollably, no one is here to hear me, and even if they was I'm sure I couldn't stop myself anyway. I drag myself over to my bed a weakly climb into it, I flip off my slippers and toss them on the floor, I curl up and pull the covers over me, I begin to violently shake as the fear just hits me; I'm afraid of my own father.

 _ **Authors Note: I know I haven't updated in awhile, that is because I have been in hospital, just thought you all should know, I have tons of work to be caught up on so I will only be updating this one today, hopefully the next chapter of my oneshot collection will be up by the end of the week. But as always this story if my top priority in writing, the oneshots are just something fun, to take a break from this story and so people can request what they like which they haven't seen anywhere. Any I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I hope to maybe update this story tomorrow or maybe the day after, love you all xx :)**_


	26. Back Together?

"JASE COME DOWN STAIRS, MUM SAID IT'S TIME TO GO" I hear Robbie shout from down stairs. Shit. How can I go down stairs and go see Doctor Dean Wilde? I'm a mess, and I don't think I can stand up straight. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, I try and compose myself from the shaking crying mess I am, I wipe my tears and try and steady my body and then I hear someone enter the room and walk over to me.

"Jase come on, wassa matter with you" The person said, I now know who that person is; Robbie. Robbie pulled my quilt off me and just stopped still and stared at me "Jase, what's up" Robbie asked me and sat down next to me on my bed, I wipe my eyes again as the tears refuse to leave me alone, I shrug my shoulders then hide my face in my pillow.

"Is it the whole scale thing? Mum was only trying to help" Robbie told me, how could he be so stupid? who would get this upset over some stupid scales? I know I was angry before but I seriously don't think anyone would be so worked up over some fucking scales. I shake my head, as I can't seem to tell Robbie my answer was no, at least I could give him the answer that he wanted "Then what is it, did Holly call?" Robbie tried another question to see what was wrong with me, I shake my head again, that was a better question as I would be heartbroken if Holly had of called me with any bad news.

"Was dad really harsh on you then" Robbie asked, this time he was on the nose, just the thought of what happened made me lose my composure, I begin to shake violently now, I think Robbie noticed as he rubbed my back "Jase, what did he do to you" Robbie asked, with the tone of an over protective brother, I stay as still as my shaking body will let me, I can't let Robbie know how pathetically scared I am of our father.

"Jase I'm serious, what did he do to you. I know you, you don't get into this state unless it was something really bad, and if you don't tell me, I'll go ask dad myself" Robbie demanded protectively "pl-please don't" I croak hoarsely as I haven't had a drink since dad made me sick and I've been crying so hard "Then tell me what did he do you then Jase" Robbie said, obviously not noticing how hoarse I am, maybe he thinks it's because I'm crying?

Before I even consider telling Robbie what happened Joe enters the room "everything alright in here" Joe asked us "does it look it" Robbie snapped "Why whats a matter" Joe asked curiously "just look at him" Robbie snapped and pointed at me "oh Jase" Joe said and came and sat next to me "what happened mate" Joe asked me, before I could say anything "Dad must have done something, but he wont tell me, if he's hurt him I'll kill the bastard" Robbie told Joe protectively. "Now Robbie, no need for that, let Jason tell us the truth of what has happened" Joe warned Robbie.

I try and sit up, I get a sharp pain through my stomach and fall back down, both Joe and Robbie look concerned. "What happened mate" Joe asked me kindly "pain" I mutter croaky "that bastard hurt you didn't he, I'm gonna kill him" Robbie said angrily and stood up "calm down Robbie, violence never does anyone any good" Joe warned Robbie in a 'sit down now or you'll be sorry' voice "but if he hurt him he deserves it" Robbie said heatedly "I feel dizzy" I mutter quietly but no one seems to hear "no one deserves death Robbie, don't be ridiculous and sit down, Jason needs you" Joe told Robbie "g-" I begin to try and speak but I fall into unconsciousness.

"Jason. Jason" I think that was mum "Jase, come on" Is that Robbie? suddenly I realize I'm being shaken, I open my eyes to see Ziggy shaking me "Ziggy, stop that, he's unconscious for goodness sake" Mum scolds Ziggy, Ziggy stops shaking me "Oh love, you gave us a fright" Mum said, I look at my surroundings and notice I am still in my bed, and I notice Dad staring at me from the other side of the room, fear hits me hard; like someone just smacked me in the face, tears fall from my eyes and I begin to shake again.

"Jason, sweetheart, what's wrong" Mum asked me "get. him. out" I say as strong as I could muster, my throat still being sore from where dad shoved his hand down "who love" Mum inquires, I can't answer her, I gave all my strength saying those words "I know who" Robbie said angrily and stormed over to dad, he punched him in the jaw "If you ever hurt Jason again, I'll kill you, I mean it" Robbie spat venomously at dad and kicked him in the leg "ROBBIE" Mum shouted at Robbie "Is that any way to speak to you dad" Mum scolded "He stopped being my dad the minute he hurt Jason" Robbie told mum "How do you know that? Jason didn't even say anything" mum said "He almost did before he passed out" Robbie said.

"Why did he pass out anyway" Ziggy asked, everyone looked at him "What" Ziggy said confused "didn't you see me give him his insulin" Mum told Ziggy rather annoyed "nah" Ziggy said "I was admiring my manicure" Ziggy finished, mum huffed heavily "now Robbie, you can't go threatening your dad like that, he is going to stay here so your going to have to be nice" Mum scolded Robbie "why does he have to stay here? he hurt Jase" Robbie half shouted "because we're back together" Mum said shocking us all.

 _ **Authors Note: sorry for leaving it there, it was the best place to stop. I will probably update again tomorrow, maybe even twice, I have quite a bit of free time tomorrow :) anywho thanks for reading and don't forget to review! I love reading all of your thoughts and ideas! xx**_


	27. Did I Really?

"WHAT!" Robbie shouted " you heard me perfectly well" Mum told him "no...no...NOO!" I begin by muttering and end with a shout, I muster up my strength as much as I can and I climb out of bed a make a run for the door, dad holds me back, gripping me like I was a naughty child who was running away "oh no you don't you little fag" Dad whispers to me, I scream.

Mum rushes over to me and holds my shoulder "whats wrong darlin" she asks concerned "it's him," i hoarsely groan "he did this" I brake down crying in dads firm grip "you can;t believe him can you Sand?" Dad asks Mum "of course she can as it's true, I know Jase, he ain't lying on this" Robbie snaps, his anger rising high.

"Rick, let him go" Mum tells Dad "why, so he can go run of in a strop and make himself sick?" Dad spat venomously "RICK, LET MY BOY GO!" Mum shouts and dad drops me, I fall to my knees with a crack "Jase!" Robbie exclaims and rushes over to me and swoops me up before I fall sideways on the floor "you okay? i'm gonna kill him" Robbie start soothing but ends in anger "Rick. Kitchen. Now" Mum says to Dad, I can see she is trying to hide her emotions. "Whatever" Dad says and leaves downstairs, mum follows behind him.

We hear shouting begin from downstairs in the kitchen, we all seem to be trying to ignore it "Jase, are your knees alright?" Ziggy asked me, I can't muster up any words so I simply nod. But then we hear a scream; a woman's scream from down stairs, all my brothers pound out of the room and down the stairs except Robbie "now Jase, stay here and don't come down" Robbie heaved me up and guided me to my bed "now I want you to put these in" He handed me some earphones "put those in, listen to music, and don't stop until I come for you, okay" Robbie told me, I nodded and he helped me into bed and gave me my phone "okay stay there" Robbie said and ran out the room.

I felt useless, I couldn't do anything, maybe I should do as Robbie had instructed? Then that's when I heard it; Robbie was screaming, I grabbed my pillow and wrapped it around my head hoping to cover it; it didn't help. Why was I so pathetic? why can't I get up? I questioned myself, but then the screaming stopped and I heard Joe yelling. That's it, I have had enough of being the pathetic weak one, the Roscoe with no balls. At that moment I decided that it stopped there, and that I am not afraid of my dad, and even if I felt scared I would be strong for my brothers.

I get up and storm out of my room and storm down stairs feeling brave, I enter the kitchen mum was collapsed over the kitchen counter and Robbie was exessively bleeding on the floor, Joe was seeing to Robbie, Ziggy and Freddie was arguing with dad, I had no idea what came over me as I grabbed a saucepan that was near me and struck my very own father around the head, my adrenaline was pumping, I had no idea what was going on right now my head was spinning, I looked at Ziggy and Freddie who stood there gobsmacked, Ziggy was bleeding from the mouth somewhere that I couldn't tell, all of what just happened got to much for me, I passed out on top of my Dad.

"What are we gonna do" I heard Ziggy fret "nothing Zig, we can't get the authorities involved" Freddie replied. I open my eyes to see the exact same state it had been before I passed out, I had really hoped what had happened was a horrible nightmare "Jase, are you alright" Joe asked me "Yeah..." I pause and look underneath me; dad was gone "Wheres dad" I ask Joe, he looked worried "now listen Jase I don't want you to panic-" Joe started, I feel like a brick had just hit my stomach, I knew, I just knew what Joe was about to tell me.

"HE'S DEAD ISN'T HE! I KILLED MY DAD!" I scream and begin to cry "I'm sorry Jase, don't worry we'll sort this, it was self defence, they'll have nothing to convict you, it'll be fine I promise" Joe tried reassuring me, it wasn't working. I am a murderer. I killed a Man. My own father.

 _ **Authors Note: sorry that this chapter isn't long, had nothing else to build it up on. I am also sorry for my absence, was busy. Don't need to go into my personal life here :) thanks for being patient and I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) xx**_


	28. Police Station

"Now Jase, calm down" Joe reasons. How can he say that? I murdered him. I begin to scream. "JASON" Joe shouts at me; I still continue to scream, why can't I stop? "I'm sorry Jase" Joe says before smacking me across the face; I stop screaming.

"I had to do that, I'm sorry" Joe reassures me. "Right everybody calm down. Lets think, what are we gonna do with the body?" Freddie reasons "I am calling the police" Joe says firmly. Shit, is my own brother gonna turn me in? am I going to prison? "WHAT! what are you thinking Joe, we'll all get banged up" Freddie shouts at Joe "yeah Joe, Fred's right" Ziggy tries to reason "no we wont, anyone can see that it was self defense, if we cover this up then we'll be banged up, but if the police see the state that we're in then they can clearly see it was self defense, we may be in for questioning of what happened, but other then that we should be fine" Joe reasons with us.

"Yeah. You're right, i'll call em" Ziggy said and got his phone out and began to dial 911 I presume "hold on a minute" Freddie began "the police will never let this off, they'll keep going until we're all banged up, how can you be so stupid" Freddie snapped at Joe, I begin to panic, what if Freddie is right? Ziggy is now on the phone to the police "hello? I need the police over here, there's been an incident" Ziggy started talking to the police over the phone, Freddie tries to pull the phone away from Ziggy, Joe blasts over to them and pushes Freddie away "what do you think your playing at" Joe shouts at Freddie "he can't do this, we'll go down" Freddie replies, Ziggy has now given the police our address, also asked for an ambulance and put the phone down "They're on there way" Ziggy tells the room.

"We have to run" Freddie frets "we are not running Fred, we're facing this together, as a family" Joe tells Freddie. Freddie kicks the cupboard door; this is Freddie's way of saying Joe's right in a weird sort of way.

A short time after that there was a knock at the door. "Last chance" Freddie asks Joe "we stick it out as planned" Joe tells Freddie and goes and answers the door. This is it, my life is officially over. The police come into the kitchen after Joe spoke to them, one of the officers come over to me, he puts my hands behind my back and locks them in handcuffs "Jason Roscoe I am arresting you on suspicion of murder, you do not have to say anything but anything you do say will be given as evidence in court" The police officer tells me, I well up, I am scared.

I comply with the officer and let him take me to his car, he opens the back door and edges me in, I obviously comply and climb into the car, he shuts and locks the door behind me and gets into the front seat, he then proceeds and drives me to the station.

Once there I am immediately escorted to a room for questioning, I sit down and the officer sits opposite me, he turns the tape on "now Jason, tell me what happened" The officer asked, I figure now is the time to explain everything.

"My dad" I begin and wipe my eyes "a short while ago" I pause "take your time" the officer reassures me, I take a deep breath "he beat me up; bad," I sniff my snot back and wipe my eyes "he also force me to be sick. and today" I pause recalling everything that has happened "he hurt my mum somehow, I don't know how, he also did something to Robbie-" Robbie? what happened to Robbie he was bleeding, no, no, he can't be dead.

Without me even knowing I start crying and screaming. Next minute I know Joe is sitting next to me holding me, was I really that hysterical that I blacked out? "Jase, it's okay, just tell the officer everything, it's gonna be okay" Joe reassures me and rubs my shoulder.

I take a deep breath after calming down "he was bleeding, Robbie was" I look to Joe for reassurement, he looks at me with worry in his eyes, I know somethings up with Robbie. "I kinda blanked out after that, and when I was alert I had fainted" I finish telling the officer "do you have the information to fill in the blanks Mr. Roscoe?" the officer asks and looks at Joe "yes sir" Joe begins and rubs my shoulder "once Jason had come down stairs, he went extremely pale, he looked like he was going to faint, Rick was going to lash out, so Jason grabbed a pan and hit him sir" Joe told the officer honestly.

"On purpose" the officer questioned "by defense" Joe corrects him. The officer turns the tape off and stands up and goes towards the door "I will get someone to analyze this, I will be back shortly to tell you whats going on" The officer said and left the room.

Some time later the officer walks back into the room and doesn't shut the door "you're free to go. There will still be an inquiry, but for now go home and we'll see you here tomorrow" the officer told me and left the room. Me and Joe get up and leave the station with Freddie and Ziggy. We head to the hospital.


End file.
